It’s hard to know what the right thing to do is… let them forget or remind them.
Remind them of the tragedy that IS this day, or let them dance about and enjoy this day with no memory of the loss.
It’s not that they don’t miss him, it’s not that they have forgotten, it’s that they don’t think of him on this particular day as a death date. It’s that they think of him often and miss him.
I wrote this post about my nephew in December. We lost him August 16th 2004- 5 years ago.
I remember the very minute we heard the news, I remember the whole day like it was yesterday- the phone call, the desperate confusion, the sick in the pit of my stomach. There is just no way describe the day.
I picked the kids up from school one at a time starting at 1pm so I could have alone time with each kid and be able to tell them the tragic news separately- so we could have time just one child and I. I picked them up from oldest to youngest.
First I picked up Kid1 and as he walked out towards me he knew by the look on my face that it was bad news. I hated that because I know he is so intuitive and there would be no way to hide my pain and sorrow. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I needed to tell him something important at home. We rode in silence. Standing on the porch he waited looking at me wanting to know the bad news and I told him: “Keoni was killed today, he is gone son. He was hit by a car and he is gone”. My oldest boy laid against me and cried, then he headed to bed and didn’t get out of bed for quite some time.
Next I headed back to school to get Kid2. She was so excited to see me and jabbered all the way home, never even knowing there was something wrong- such a girl! As we walked into the house she was yammering on and on about school and I had to interrupt her as I was about to burst into tears knowing I was going to ruin her whole day and many more to follow. I interrupted her saying that I had something very very sad to tell her. I told her how her beloved cousin whom she had spent hours on the beach playing with as a little girl was gone. I found myself saying over and over “He’s gone honey, he’s gone…. He’s just gone baby…..” She burst into tears of course and ran to her room to share her tears with her baby dolls and cry in private.
I was off again, exhausted and weary from telling the story over and over, heartbroken for my brother and not knowing how this would affect us all yet…. As soon as I saw my baby boy, Kid3 he was all smiles and bounded towards me thrilled to be leaving early. He hugged me happy to be with Momma earlier than he planned. I held him tight knowing I was about to break his heart. We walked to the car as he wondered but was afraid to ask why I was there… we got home and I told him, I told him the same things I had told the other kids: “He was gone, he was gone…. “ There was just nothing else left to say. Kid3 probably had the saddest reaction. He just simply fell to the floor, he just literally fell right over. He didn’t put his arms out, he didn’t try to catch himself he just fell onto the floor and cried. It was the most honest showing of sadness I have ever witnessed. His body was drained and couldn’t hold him up another minute.
I wanted to fall too, I wanted to fall to the floor and wake up in a week and it all not be true… We all went to bed that night with tear stained faces, broken hearts for our loss and sick beyond description for my brother. There are no good words for someone who has lost a child…
So, should I remind them? We usually release balloons today but instead I let them forget, I let them just have this day to not think about it and now that they are all tucked into their beds sound asleep and I feel guilty for not reminding them.
Sometimes I just don’t know what the best thing to do is. Sometimes there is no “best thing”… sometimes parenting is a mystery and a guessing game of what’s best and what’s not. Should I have reminded them? I guess I’ll never know!
Rest in Peace “Oni Boy”, we love you; we remember you and we can’t wait to join you someday!
Remind them of the tragedy that IS this day, or let them dance about and enjoy this day with no memory of the loss.
It’s not that they don’t miss him, it’s not that they have forgotten, it’s that they don’t think of him on this particular day as a death date. It’s that they think of him often and miss him.
I wrote this post about my nephew in December. We lost him August 16th 2004- 5 years ago.
I remember the very minute we heard the news, I remember the whole day like it was yesterday- the phone call, the desperate confusion, the sick in the pit of my stomach. There is just no way describe the day.
I picked the kids up from school one at a time starting at 1pm so I could have alone time with each kid and be able to tell them the tragic news separately- so we could have time just one child and I. I picked them up from oldest to youngest.
First I picked up Kid1 and as he walked out towards me he knew by the look on my face that it was bad news. I hated that because I know he is so intuitive and there would be no way to hide my pain and sorrow. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I needed to tell him something important at home. We rode in silence. Standing on the porch he waited looking at me wanting to know the bad news and I told him: “Keoni was killed today, he is gone son. He was hit by a car and he is gone”. My oldest boy laid against me and cried, then he headed to bed and didn’t get out of bed for quite some time.
Next I headed back to school to get Kid2. She was so excited to see me and jabbered all the way home, never even knowing there was something wrong- such a girl! As we walked into the house she was yammering on and on about school and I had to interrupt her as I was about to burst into tears knowing I was going to ruin her whole day and many more to follow. I interrupted her saying that I had something very very sad to tell her. I told her how her beloved cousin whom she had spent hours on the beach playing with as a little girl was gone. I found myself saying over and over “He’s gone honey, he’s gone…. He’s just gone baby…..” She burst into tears of course and ran to her room to share her tears with her baby dolls and cry in private.
I was off again, exhausted and weary from telling the story over and over, heartbroken for my brother and not knowing how this would affect us all yet…. As soon as I saw my baby boy, Kid3 he was all smiles and bounded towards me thrilled to be leaving early. He hugged me happy to be with Momma earlier than he planned. I held him tight knowing I was about to break his heart. We walked to the car as he wondered but was afraid to ask why I was there… we got home and I told him, I told him the same things I had told the other kids: “He was gone, he was gone…. “ There was just nothing else left to say. Kid3 probably had the saddest reaction. He just simply fell to the floor, he just literally fell right over. He didn’t put his arms out, he didn’t try to catch himself he just fell onto the floor and cried. It was the most honest showing of sadness I have ever witnessed. His body was drained and couldn’t hold him up another minute.
I wanted to fall too, I wanted to fall to the floor and wake up in a week and it all not be true… We all went to bed that night with tear stained faces, broken hearts for our loss and sick beyond description for my brother. There are no good words for someone who has lost a child…
So, should I remind them? We usually release balloons today but instead I let them forget, I let them just have this day to not think about it and now that they are all tucked into their beds sound asleep and I feel guilty for not reminding them.
Sometimes I just don’t know what the best thing to do is. Sometimes there is no “best thing”… sometimes parenting is a mystery and a guessing game of what’s best and what’s not. Should I have reminded them? I guess I’ll never know!
Rest in Peace “Oni Boy”, we love you; we remember you and we can’t wait to join you someday!
4 comments:
I'm bawling:( I'm so sorry...time helps, but doesn't erase the pain. Reminding them or not...one of those hard, hard calls of motherhood!
Oh, Ashley I'm so sorry. What a hard, hard thing for your whole family. I think probably even if you don't remind them, they know what day it is and are remembering their cousin fondly each in their own way. :)
I remember.... I always will, Keoni was someone very, very special to me...Not explainable, but you know babe. I remember....
Ashley, as I read through your post I felt like I was actually there that day, feeling your pain. My family has felt that pain...my husband's cousin's children were murdered by their father...we thought he had hidden them...we had no idea he had actually murdered them and tossed their bodies, until they were found. Every year "I" remember, but I do not remind our children. I want them to remember their cousins' lives...not their death. I think they usually figure it out...it's hard to hide the grief even after 6 years. HUGS
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