Thursday, June 16, 2016


Dear Brother, you've been gone 15 days and I can hardly wrap my head around it. I knew I would outlive you, yet I'm shocked. Dale and Nicole texted and said they had found shark teeth while walking the beach! That brought them such comfort. Isn't it funny how we find comfort in the littlest things? I'm not finding much comfort yet, I guess time will bring that later. I keep seeing us when we were kids playing in Antlers. I never pictured us as adults back then, Im sure thats best. If we had known what was coming... well... Im glad we didn't know. Tuesday was my hardest day, I just couldn't cope. I keep hearing you in my mind wishing our last conversation was different. Im still looking for peace, send some if you can. Love you forever...

Tuesday, June 14, 2016


Here I am, its been awhile but I had to write to you. Even though I now you won't respond, at least I can feel you reading my words.

He's gone.

Gone adjective-
no longer present, departed.

He is no longer present and there is no future with him. Not a way to say hello, not a single second with him again and I can't breath. I held up pretty well with my parents, with his friends, with myself for a little while. That ended today, I literally hurt with sadness. How do I even know how to grieve for him? How will I be able to function for so many years without someone I've had my whole life?

Today I ACHE to my very core for my brother, not because I miss him, but because he's GONE- theres no future and thats a hard pill to swallow.

Death is final

I don't want to grieve, I just want to be ok and Im not able to control it. Im not ok.

I can't think, I can't write, I can't function today.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

yeah, Im blogging...

It struck me hard yesterday- HARD that so many people cry out for help. Just think about it, your little children start by crying out to you from a young age. My little Kid5 cried out "MOMMA" just this morning when she hurt herself. Did I save her? Actually, no, I didn't. She's been told on numerous occasions to NOT stand in her chair and this morning that chair fell with her in it. Truth be told, I didn't "save" her because she leaped off last minute and she was crying out to me because she was embarrassed not hurt. I called to her and had her to come to me, we talked about it. She was fine. Her immediate cry reminded me of something.

Yesterday while I attended the funeral of someone who was dear to many, a passage from Habakkuk was read and it struck me hard.

" long Lord must I call for help, but you do not listen?....."

Gods reply

".... for I am going to do something in your days that you will not believe....."

Have you ever found yourself crying out to God and feeling unanswered? Oh my word, I have! I have felt this so many times... I have doubted my God and called and called on him to save me, to give me some reprieve from this messy life. Often I have felt like he hasn't answered me and I grew tired and weary and irritated.

Looking back I know now that he was calling me to him. He knew I was fine, he knew I created my own circumstances and he was calling me to GET UP and come to him.

I distinctly remember the night I GOT UP and went to him, the night I obeyed finally. My circumstances didn't get instantly better, I still had prices to pay for my behaviors but I felt a peace that I had never had before.

The funeral was for a good man with an addiction, I KNOW he GOT UP and went to Gods side so many times. He fell over and over and over. I believed God has a grace that surpasses our understanding.

Stop complaining, GET UP AND GO, you'll fall, but you have to start somewhere!

Saturday, September 27, 2014


When did my kids grow up? 
WHEN did this happen? 

Im still making some of the same mistakes... sometimes I STILL say "momma needs quiet',  even though I KNOW one day they will ALL be quiet and my heart will ache for all the chatter again. 

Why can't time just stop sometimes, to give us a little breather? 

Breathe these moments in friends. 
Absorb those tiny little hugs. 
Be hungry for every single word...

It disappears far too quick. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Fantastic fall

I love fall!
Look at my little princess enjoying the spoils of fall!
She loved painting her pumpkin, 
eating pumpkin cupcakes, 
laughing with her brother and sisters,
drinking hot chocolate... 
There is just nothing better than making fall memories :)

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

tupid continues

(momma and baby lion)

I ALWAYS ask Kid5 what the names of her animals and babies are. I love it when kids start naming their babies and animals. (with the exception of Kid4 who named all her animals lindsay or brittany). 

Kid5 and I were on our way out the door to go grocery shopping and she ran back in and grabbed her tiger. I said "Oh! I love that tiger! What is her name? And she replied "tupid".... seriously? Can she NOT forget that I said that? 

I decide that it's not always necessary to point out what she shouldn't say since it usually encourages her to say it LOTS more. I just ignored it and loaded her up in the car. Off to get groceries we go. 

Fast forward to a few minutes later, we're at the store. People ALWAYS talk to Kid5. She is very friendly and never meets a stranger. She is loved by all strangers, seriously! 

stranger- Oh hi little cutie!
Kid5- Wook at my tigew!
stranger- oh look at that tiger! whats your tigers name?

**insert panic here**

Kid5- ...two......

**thank goodness, she think she asked how old she was.... whew.......**

stranger- two?

Kid5- Tigew name tupid!

stranger- ..... uh.... uh.....?

Now at this moment I realize that this lady is calculating exactly what she just said... I am going over in my head how I can fix this, but really... is it necessary? If I explain to the lady that I had stepped on a zebra yesterday and accidentally said "stupid" will it even make sense? I mean.... stepping on a zebra doesn't even seem possible to a person who doesn't have children at home.... and then I will be saying "stupid" AGAIN out loud... and do I really need to explain all this over the condiment aisle in the grocery store? So I slink away and take the tiger and put it on my purse in the back of the cart and hope that the nice lady is finished shopping. 

Fast forward to later my cart is almost full and our friend "tupid" is barely hanging onto my purse... I add one more thing and he topples out onto the floor. OF COURSE a super sweet little old lady picks up her "tupid tiger" and hands it to her. I say "what do you say" and she says "Tank you tupid tigew"...

I'll let you guess my embarrassment

Long story short I HAD to address the word... obviously ignoring wasn't helping. 

FAIL ... again

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

tupid momma

We encourage our older kids to be careful what they say because our little ones are listening.  For some reason little ears ALWAYS hear and repeat the words we would like them not to. Often it happens like this-

Me- Oh wow! This house is a mess!  *looking around*  We better get this place cleaned up! Do you want to help momma clean up?

Kid5- Qween up!

Me- Let’s start with these dollies. These dollies are a mess. (Kid5 is eagerly helping pick up her mess and I am feeling like a great momma) Can you put your dollies back into their beds? Goodnight dollies, what fun we had with you today! What sweet little dollies you have Kid5.

Kid5- goodnight dowies. *gives them kisses*

Me- Good job Kid5! You ARE a big helper! Are you mommies little helper?

Kid5- I mommies hewlpew (helper)

Me-Lets get these animals picked up next, here’s a hippo, and can you put the hippo in his cage? Sweet little hippo! I bet he was a good boy today wasn’t he? I bet he helps his mommy too.

Kid5- Good boy hippo!

I talk and talk and talk, encouraging her to pick up, listen to mommy, what a sweet little thing. All of a sudden there is a turned upside down zebra laying on his freaking back all three thousand needle like legs straight up in the freaking air and my bare foot steps down on said zebra with no small amount of weight and I can’t hold back. It often goes like this-



One second..... wait..... one second, all the sweet goodnights, all the kind little words, all the mommies helper comments… and she picks up “TUPID ZEBWA?”

Awesome parenting moment for me.


Friday, October 4, 2013

Moving Crew and one lucky momma

Kid2 is moving to HER OWN place in a few days and she is MORE than excited! We had our usual meet at her place, gather up all her belongings and shove them into our cars palooza the other night. It was a lot of shoving, stuffing, carrying and crossing our fingers that it would all fit. After we were all exhausted and packed up we had dinner together. While we were sitting at dinner I looked down at (mostly) all of my children and felt so lucky to have my kiddos in one place laughing and enjoying each other. They were passing napkins, wiping faces, sharing food and I felt whole. There is something so good about looking into the faces of your children and knowing they are happy and safe.

How did I get so lucky?

Friday, September 27, 2013

moo, hee-haw, oink lovin baby

I LOVE how kid5 classifies her animals... she utterly amazes me. She growls and chirps and barks and crawls all over the floor with her beloved animals. She puts them to sleep and wakes them up, she gives them water and food and hugs. What an amazing little human I have been given. 

*Lucky me*

Thursday, September 26, 2013

blog? what?

Blogging? What’s that?

1 a. a Website containing the writer’s own experiences, observations, opinions, etc., and often having images and links to other websites.

To maintain or add new entries to a blog

I know! I know! Some people who are “dying” for me to blog shall remain nameless… (WM) To think that one person wants to read my thoughts!

Speaking of thoughts…. I have so many I feel like I couldn’t even begin to tell them all to you. So much has happened in this time that I haven’t been blogging. I’d love to catch you up but it’s too much. How about I give you a run down really quickly and then we’ll call us “all caught up”?

Kid1 turned TWENTY-ONE, but you already know that. He is about to be deployed… I can’t really wrap my mind around that.

Kid2 has turned NINETEEN, she lives in her own apartment, well she shares an apartment with a nightmare roommate and is getting her own place on the first so that’s coming up. She’s a big ol’ college girl and actually going to class! Shock- I know! She works a ton and is enjoying life.

Kid3 was NOT happy to be moving (we’ll get to that later) but has adjusted well to his new school, is about to get his license and is a whole SEVENTEEN years old! MY baby- seventeen….. it’s nuts!

Kid4 is as quirky and funny as ever. We’re still doing home school and loving it. She’s NINE!!!! This little darling momma’s baby is nine.

Kid5 is easily the most darling little thing that was ever born.  She’s hilarious and loving and keeps us all afloat!

We moved to Arkansas, crazy I know. Its absolutely beautiful and I feel lucky every single day to live in such beauty. I love it.

Bat Girl and I have struggled to live so far apart but we have a bond that can’t be broken so we’ll be okay. We don’t every day or anything like that ;)

Mr. B. is loving his new job and life is good.

All caught up? Lets call that good.