Sunday, September 25, 2011

famous last words...

What if this were the last moment you ever had with her, the last time you could speak to her, write to her, hug her, hold her? What would YOU say? Would you take that time for granted? A selfish man would… a selfish man take it all for granted, confident it would always be there when he's ready. What if you treated your children like every moment WAS the last moment? What if you spoke to them with great care, listened like you were hanging on every word and couldn't wait for next minute you could spend with him/ her? Can you imagine emailing your kids on your spare time, writing them little notes, letting them know you love them? Can you imagine the impact it would have on their self esteems, their lives? Taking time for granted is inexcusable to me. You'll have all the time in the world when your kids are gone, when your asleep, when they are in bed and when your at work…

"I'll probably always want some time to myself…"

Don't you hear parents say the words "time to myself" SO OFTEN and giggle to yourself because you know that once you have children the "time to yourself" changes in so many wild and wonderful ways. I think it's different for moms and dads but there is certainly always a part of us that enjoys a little "time" to ourselves every so often.

Time for me changed when I had kids but time has changed maybe thousands of times since my kids have grown up. When they were tiny I just wanted a minute to myself to breathe, maybe take a nap but a neighbor of mine lost her baby boy in a car accident, she watched him bleed to death in her rear view mirror and could do nothing to save him. Time changed for me then, I was less selfish with my time and happier to be up at night nursing my Kid3 who was the same age as that precious little baby boy she would never see again. Somehow I didn't feel quite so tired. As my children grew I craved quiet and wished I could have a little time to myself without their voices and my nephew was hit by a car while crossing a highway and now we'll never hear his voice again. Time changed for me then and I was more thankful to hear the chatter of my adolescent childrens voices even when they were bickering at each other, at least I had them to listen to while my brother listened to silence. As they grew even older and they have become teenagers I have begged for a moment of "time to myself" just so I could have some quiet in my head and when I knelt that day over my Kid2 after she had been in a terrible car accident I thanked God that I wasn't getting the "time to myself" that I had so adamantly begged for. As I watched her being strapped to the gurney and wheeled into an ambulance that day while not knowing the extent of her injuries I found myself begging God for more time to hear her voice chattering on and on and "TIME TO MYSELF" seemed to come into perspective once again.

"I'll probably always want some time to myself" ~ famous last words of a selfish man

Friday, September 16, 2011


Have you ever been faceless, speechless, powerless? Have you ever felt like your words were taken straight from your brain and scrambled right before your eyes? Do you ever feel a little crazy, maybe because someone else has caused you to feel a little crazy? Sometimes I have felt powerless. Sometimes I have felt speechless. Sometimes I have felt useless and worthless. Does everyone feel useless, worthless and crazy sometimes? I don't know, I have only walked in my shoes. Somedays I don't know much but I do know this-

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

IS the GRASS GREENER? ( Is it? ) *re-post*

Have you ever asked yourself if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence?
Have you ever asked yourself why the grass might be greener on the other side of that fence?

I have your answer!

YES! YES it is definitely greener. The grass is greener because you haven’t walked there yet my friend. Once you walk on that grass, it’s NOT as green, YOU HAVE WALKED on it!

I understand that there is the temptation of hopping that fence and trying out that beautiful plush green green grass. I beg of you, don’t do it! Don’t hop the fence, don’t try the grass. Remember when your mom told you “once you’ve done it, you can’t go back”? It’s true… once you have tried out the grass on the other side of the fence, you can’t go back completely. Yes, it’s true, you can hop back over and start again, but it won’t be the same.

You have to keep up your own grass! You have to stay on your side of the fence and you have to take care of it. If you don’t mow your own grass, who will? If you don’t plant flowers and make your own grass beautiful who will?

Are you getting the metaphor?

Might the grass be your marriage? A friendship perhaps? The relationship with your children? Your personal goals? Grass requires a lot of maintenance and it’s your responsibility to keep it up. You are suppose to groom your own marriage, take care of your wonderful friends, pay attention to your beautiful children and force yourself to set and keep goals.
Good luck grooming!

Monday, September 12, 2011

WHERE have my rose colored glasses gone…?

Do you know what it feels like to believe with all that you are in someone else? Do you know what it feels like to give your whole heart to someone and love them with all that you have in you only to find out that they are not who they say they are? Have you ever felt tricked, abused and lied too? Have you ever seen someone FINALLY for who they really are and felt crushed, like the wind has been knocked out of you? It's a surreal feeling really, like you have been knocked on your back and the world goes on around you but you can't quite get your breathe enough to stand. I keep taking deep breaths, I keep watching the world go by, I keep waking up to the same thing every day wishing this was all a dream but it's not. I find myself sitting for hours thinking about how it all happened, when it began and when I started pretending it was all okay… I wonder when I let it all go too far… I wonder when I loved too much and when I lost myself. I wonder how I let it all go so far, so wrong. Have you ever believed someone is something they are not?

I did. And I wish with all my might, and I pray with all my might that I could put my rose colored glasses back on and that I still believed it. I would take it all back in a second, but now my eyes have seen the truth.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

9/11 (repost from 2009)

So many have blogged about 9/11 and I wasn't going to because I wasn't sure I could write it, but I can summarize it and it IS important to "never forget".

8 years ago we lived in Colorado Springs and it seemed as if our lives were falling apart right before our very eyes. We tried desperatly to hold onto things near and dear to us and they were slipping away, right through our fingers, right before our very eyes and there was little we could do about it.

We shared a very small house with Mormon missionaries, they had their own little part of the house- and no, we're not Mormon. It was just one of those "different" kind of living arrangements. We ended up loving the "boys" as we called them. We never converted but we we're so close to many of the "boys".

Tuesday, September 11th was not a normal day at our house, I was home sick and had just delivered the kids to school. I went home and turned on the ol' boob tube and was shocked to say the least. It was smoke and fire and pure chaos- you remember I just know you do. It took me a minute to process that this was happening in OUR country, MY America. I quickly called Mr. B. who was commuting to Denver at the time. When I reached him in his office, I told him. I told him about the horror, and do you want to know what he said to me? "Honey you must be watching a movie, or mistaken." I was a little perturbed to say the least. I said to him "Why don't you turn on a T.V. and call me back"

While I waited for him to call me back, I went to get the missionaries. I can remember just what I said "Bowman, I know your not allowed to watch TV during your mission but you HAVE to see this, you HAVE to know whats going on" We sat and watched the Television together, cried and waited for Mr. B. to call.

He called back horrified, I was crying, he was in shock. A co-workers daughter was in New York at the time touring and he was terrified for her. I told Mr. B. that I just wanted to go get the kids and lock us all in the house all day long, maybe forever. Just then they were evacuating all the tall buildings in Denver. The last thing he said to me was "GO! get them- bring them home, Im on my way".

I rushed to school where I checked my babies out in a line of silent parents, standing there with tear stained faces, in shock, not knowing what tomorrow held, only knowing we wanted our children and we wanted to be home. I was terrifed and numb.

There were days and days and days of numb terror, I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't ever want to take my kids to school, I didnt ever want to do anything but sit on my couch and sob for my country, for those who lost their lives and those who fought for freedom- I was petrified. It was hard for me to go out after that. It took some time for me to go out after that day, time for me to go to Denver near tall buildings, time for me to feel comfortable dropping my kids off at school again.

Time helps you to be able to get back to your life, but it never heals all wounds- it can't. Time isn't meant to erase, to forget, it's meants to give peace, to HELP heal.

9/11- Don't EVER forget, but do allow peace to creep into your heart.