on becoming a mother

this is me LOOONG, LOONG ago

The month of August brings many memories of my first son. This is his birthday month and having him was a real roller coaster for me.

I was young when I had my Kid1, very young and we’ll leave it at that. I have so many memories that I probably should write down so I never forget them.

Here is one of the many memories that a very sweet little but now grown up boy has given me.

When he was 6 weeks old I reached over to feel him in the middle of the night and he was burning up with fever, seriously he was almost too hot to touch. I was scared. Up until this moment he and I had just been hanging out, like friends. I didn’t really think of myself as his mom, I don’t know what I thought about us, we were buddies I guess. I picked him up and strapped him into his car seat and headed to Tripler Hospital to the E.R. I was scared, I was new at driving, I was new at mothering and I had no idea what the E.R. held for me.

I signed us in and held him tight while he burned in my arms and I wondered what we would do about this whole mess. A nurse took us back and as she took him from my arms I felt unsure of myself. Needless to say, it was a long night that included a lot of tears from both of us. He lay there on that bed and cried, they didn’t let me hold him. He wanted me and I wanted him but I was afraid to step up, I didn’t know about being his mom, being an advocate for my own child, I followed their every direction. They did a spinal tap against my will, he screamed and I shook with fear for him. A chaplain took me away and talked but all I could hear was my little boy scream while he lay there, while I let them poke him and hurt him. I felt helpless… who would help him?

We spent days in the hospital, with IV’s and nurses and shots and medicine… I was stunned, scared and a deer in headlights. I had no idea how to be a mom to him. I felt lonely, afraid and incompetent. A friend of mine came up and brought me little lotions and things just for me. I couldn’t understand why she would have done that. It made me feel so special. Little did I know that these are the things that Mom’s do for one another.

As we checked out I loaded him with no fever in his little blue and white stroller all dressed up in his denim overalls as I looked away to sign his discharge papers something unbelievable happened. I remember the exact moment like it was yesterday. I signed my name as his parent/guardian and when I looked back at him he was MY SON. I became a mom that moment, with the real responsibilities, the worries, all that comes with motherhood came right then at that very moment. I gazed at him for a second and then I leaned down to him and said “Your mine and I will do a good job, I promise you”.

I walked into that hospital with a very sick little boy and I left his mother.

Becoming a mother is so much more than having a baby. Being a mother takes time, fevers, late nights, stress and more than I could ever write. I became a mom early in life and I have loved every memory, every tear and every all nighter. I wouldn’t trade not even one second of it!