Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I didn’t mean to make you sad and I thank you for the outpouring of care you have shown to me. Sometimes one struggles to wrap their mind around how many people really do care. I appreciate you all more than I could ever say in written word.
As my children have grown older my heart has broken a little more with every passing day. I always dreaded them growing up and being independent, I always dreaded the day when I would have to swallow my advice and let them fall to learn. I always broke at the thought of letting them struggle but I have to. There comes a day when you have to let go of things, anything, and let kids be kids and let life be life and just be.
As the years have passed my life hasn’t always taken the turns I have wanted. As the days flew by I think I missed something along the way. I’ve always lived life one day at a time and promised myself never to regret anything and here I am, regretting. If I could turn the hands of time back there are a list of things that I would do differently.
• I would watch my children’s every move two or three times again if I could.
• I would watch each tooth, each step, and each hair on their little heads.
• I would remember the expression they had when they got their first hair cut, lost their first tooth and took their first step, but instead it’s blurry to me.
• I would give better advice to my friends, children and family.
• I would hold them longer and tighter.
• I would protect them more and punish them less.
• I would have spent more time with my nephew.
• I would love my brother and sister more instead of letting them go.
• I would have made such different choices for myself for love and for life.
My sweet friends, I think that I have just taken off my rose colored glasses and am seeing so many things for the first time and I’ll be fine, I really will. Life is sometimes a reality check and I’m experiencing it later in life than I probably should have.
I have stopped to take a good hard look at things and I’ll be okay. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts, I love you all!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Have you ever cried and cried and cried and cried? Have you ever started crying and began to worry that you may never stop? Have you ever cried over one thing and everything all at once?
This weekend I crossed a bridge in my life and I cried for 7 hours. I literally thought I might never stop. I cried for 100 different reasons and some of them I can’t share.
I cried because my children have grown old and I can’t help them anymore like I use to. I cried because my life just didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. I cried because I’m afraid to be alone one day. I cried because I have no control over my children’s hurts and decisions anymore. I cried because as they are learning hard lessons I have to let them fall and pick themselves up alone. I cried because I have had to let something go that I didn’t want to let go. I cried because even though something may be best for me, if it’s not best for my children I simply cannot do it. I cried because my heart is broken and I have no control over it anymore.
I cried and cried and cried.
And now I have to choose to stand up, dry up and walk forward and I will, just like I always do.
The moral of this story?
Life is stifling sometimes and I guess a good cleansing cry does a person good. I'm not fixed, but I will go on. Doing the right thing for my children is all I can live with, it's how I live with myself, it's how I sleep at night. It's also hard and hurts.
You'll make it.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Blah blah blah…. Don’t some days start with blah? Some days it’s all laundry and housework and I look around and pick up this and put that away and wonder why those kids, you know the ones, can’t put away a glass or take out the trash…. And as I’m picking up and putting away I stop to think…. At least I have glasses to pick up and put away. At least I have laundry detergent and a washer to do my laundry, there were days when I was young when I had to pack it all up and take it to a laundry mat. At least I have food to cook and at least I have a floor to vacuum. And I’m LUCKY to have kids to pick up after…..
I wish that was the end… I wish I was about to write “and now I’m skipping off to happily clean my lovely house and feel so blessed”
Instead I’m going to show you my list.
Clean EVERY dad-gum bathroom! (nasty kids)
Could I pah-lease clean my own closet before I get lost in it!
The stairs are seriously NOT going to vacuum themselves.
The kitchen is crying out for a KID to do the dishes, but no KID is home.
The trash can needs an exorcism!
The laundry room is begging for mercy
My kitchen sink is seriously going to bleach itself if I wait much longer.
I’m pretty sure that my sheets are inching themselves off my mattress
MY side of the room (Mr. B. is super neat) is a landmine.
I’m not even going to look at the kids rooms.
Don’t even get me started on the basement.
And million more things X 300!
Dear me, repeat after me….. “I’m LUCKY, I’m LUCKY!”……
I AM lucky right??????????
Monday, May 17, 2010
I have to speak very highly of Kid1’s girl Weezy, she’s honestly practically perfect and the time we have with her makes all my days better and I’ll tell you why…. SHE’S GROWN! She’s not a high school-er anymore! We can actually have intelligent conversation and spend time together without any major questions like “can I drive?”, “why can’t I drive?” and “FINE THEN! can you take me?” She is easy; she drives AND does her own laundry! Poor Weezy has mono right now though she has slept for an entire 10 days. I’ve been worried out of my mind that she’ll dehydrate.
When I came home tonight Kid1’s car was MIA and I freaked! Let me repeat HE HAS NO LISCENCE! I was irritated and texted him…. Which seems like a good idea but then again I’m not sure a kid with no license should be texting while driving… (And let’s not get into the texting while driving debate ok?) So I called him and he didn’t pick up…. So I went looking for him and while I was looking he called and reassured me that HE wasn’t driving his car, his friend was…. OH…. YAY, thrilling! Some other teenager was driving my son’s car…what a relief- NOT.
This morning my sweet girl, Kid2 flew to Colorado to visit her BFF. She was so excited, I was so nervous. I tried to pretend not to be nervous until she forced me into admitting it and then I did the nervous laugh…. Dang teens! She called from Denver asking if she should let a TOTAL STRANGER who had offered her money to check his email borrow her MAC….? REALLY? Not so much!
Right this very minute Kid3 is watching a movie downstairs with GIRLS…. In my basement.
I promise they are trying to kill me.
Can you save me? Is there anyone out there willing to dive right in and pull me out of this cesspool of teenagers.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
“…………I called my mom to ask if my Grandpa liked Subway, I have never taken him there and she mentioned how it’s my Aunt Fern’s favorite place to eat. (one of the only places in Hoof-ville) I called Aunt Fern, and invited her to join us there. I picked up Granddaddy and headed to meet aunt Fern at Subway.
When I mentioned Subway to one very grouchy, hungry old farmer he did not take it well. He apparently DOES NOT eat sandwiches for dinner. As we pulled in, he let us know that the last time he had eaten there was the first time and he said he’d never go back. Bat Girl and I were a little nervous…
We got in sat down and he wanted to know what they had- I read the menu to him, and after a few sandwiches he would say “DO THEY JUST HAVE A BURGER?”…. I would read a few more and he would say “WHAT ABOUT A BURGER”? I was starting to feel like he wanted a burger! :0)
This is how the conversation (if you can call it that) went:
Me- tuna fish, turkey and bacon, BMT….
My Sweet Bat Girl grabbed the keys to the batmobile and drove down the street to The burger barn (yes, thats the real name)and got a burger for the two of them. She is so nice! I was relieved that he was now looking down the barrel of a hamburger and fries. “
This trip when I headed to Hoof-ville to visit Granddaddy I had the brilliant idea of getting there the night before and staying in a hotel and take him breakfast in the morning. A perfect plan right? (not so much) I asked the night before where I could get breakfast in Hoof-ville and was told two places. I could go to the burger barn…. (yes ironic I know) or I could go to McDonalds which is on the turnpike, thank you very little I didn’t want to pay to get on the turnpike just to turn around again and pay to get back off…. Seemed like a silly waste of money (turns out it wouldn't have been).
Burger Barn -closed.
McDonalds- NO! I was too stubborn to pay for the turnpike.
YEP you guessed it!
SUBWAY is now serving breakfast…..
I was like REALLY!?
I also wish this was the end of the story but it’s not. The rest includes one SUBWAY sandwich bag stuck to my ring for 2 trifling hours and a pair of underwear…. I just know your holding your breath!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Today’s story is about my Granddaddy and how Batgirl is the best friend ever because she so sweetly listened to his hemorrhoids and constipation stories. I’ve told you before that he’s quite a guy and as he’s gotten older as often happens he really doesn’t have a filter, he’ll just say what’s on his mind. If it had been anyone other than batgirl I would have had to run screaming but she understands his need to talk about poo and how important it is to ones health. After all one could die after 5 days of no pooping…. Or so HE says. And let’s not even get started on the hell it can cause on ones hemorrhoids! Id be happy to pass on his number if you’d like the full blown story but let me warn you it involves descriptions like “the size of a child’s marble” and “probably 30 pound of….” I’ll leave THAT to your imagination.
I’ve written about my granddaddy before and no matter how many times I see him, no matter how many times he describes his bowels and other horrific things I look at that man and see a hard working farmer, welder and Grandpa. When I look into his blue eyes I can just see them glistening in the hot Oklahoma sun. When I hear his voice I can hear him tell me to get on the back of the truck and then shout when to start throwing the hay off for the cows. When I see his overalls and welding clothes still hanging on the back of the kitchen door I can still feel the heat of the many hours I sat and watched him weld. I can just see the sparks flying and smell the metal. When I see him and wrap my arms around him and I can remember how he would come home every day that I was there and open his black metal lunch box and unwrap his lunch that my Grammie had made for him and so carefully had wrapped in wax paper. I can smell the coffee he poured from his green thermos every single day no matter how hot it was. I can still see him sitting in his kitchen chair looking out the sliding glass door towards his farm. I can remember the thousands of times I would watch him walk to the barn. I know exactly how he walks and just how his footsteps sound.
No matter what he says, or does now that he’s older, he’ll always be a big strong farmer, a man who could fix anything, a welder and above all he’ll always be my Granddaddy!
P.S. I don't know why I look like the queen of quite a lot here... I think Im trying to hold my head high so you don't see that Im actually the queen of quite a few chins!