Sunday, December 16, 2012

Thankful (kid3)

I doubt that I can fully express my adoration for my third baby, my second son. When I was pregnant I didn't care if he was a boy or a girl, I was just excited to cuddle a little tiny baby again. He was born a big ol' healthy boy! He was absolutely perfect. By the time he came along, I had already experienced birth, boys and girls, I felt at peace with the fact that babies are absolutely not born skin colored. I didn't have the same concerns. My Kid3 was an easy baby, a breeze of a toddler and for the most part an easy teen. Sometimes lately when I am still I have a wave of fear rush over me that something will happen to him. He's always been the quiet sensible one of the kids. He's the one who rolls with the punches, doesn't over react and although he caught our yard on fire one fall he's been a breeze to raise so far.

When I am busy and running like crazy he's always somewhere in the background waiting for me to slow down. When Im quiet and calm he's there. I often have to remind myself to stop and be quiet and enjoy him. I am so thankful for him in more ways than I could even know. As I count my blessings he is one of the big ones. He will always be my baby, I call him "the baby" and no matter how big he grows, he'll always be my mama's boy.

Be still and be thankful

Monday, December 3, 2012

Thankful (kid2)

There is no way to put my emotions into words over my first little precious baby girl. Right now is an emotional time between her and I. She has flown the coop… moved on… and as a mother I had no idea how hard that would be. I had dreams of her growing up, going off to college, visiting her… I knew I'd miss her but I had no idea how much.

With Kid1, I wanted a girl so bad I could barely stand it. When I got pregnant with Kid2, Mr. Be and I decided to not find out her gender. We were SO patient, I would never be able to do it now. I was scared, I had decided that I only knew how to raise boys and I was sure that I was totally unprepared for a girl.

I WAS RIGHT. I don't think there is a way to prepare for a daughter. Yes, yes, we had the pink nightgowns, rosy blankets and clothes out the wazoo, but it turns out that raising a daughter is WAY more than looking cute and combing long golden locks.

Just about every decision I've made since having a daughter, I have wondered how it would affect her. How will it affect her if I wear makeup every single day? Will she feel like God didn't make me pretty enough? What about my weight (which I am terrible at), if I complain about my weight every single day and still do nothing (which I do) will she mirror my failing body image? What about words? Will I use the wrong words at everything I say and will she use them as she grows? What about advice? Will I be able to advise her properly? The answer to all of the above questions is no. I now know that I will guide her in all the wrong ways, say things I shouldn't and she will repeat them, feel fat and pass it on and give her a love of all things makeup.

I don't think there is a proper way to prepare for having a daughter but I do know this. Be still. Be still and listen to God, he will guide you and if you will be still enough to listen you will do a far better job that I could ever dream of. I wasn't still enough to listen.

I can't imagine a day without her, she is my rock, my friend, my beautiful first daughter. I wouldn't change a single thing about her, as she grows and learns that all my advice is bunk she'll turn out great!

Be still and be thankful.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Thankful (kid1)

I know I have written these words or many like them before, the words about becoming a mother, the words about seeing my first child for the first time, holding him, and feeling his warmth. His first breath, his first cry, his first kick that he didn't meet my womb. He was stunning to me and as you may know he took my last breath as a non mother away. The second I saw him, I took a deep breath and little did I know my world was forever changed.

I wish I could go back in time and seize that moment, remember it better, pay closer attention. I was overwhelmed, he wasn't the color I thought he should be, he felt heavy on my weary chest… I watched him and he watched me, we stared at each other and I had no idea how my life would change. I couldn't know that my world would come crashing down over and over and how I would beg God to help me be a better mother, person and wife just for him. I wouldn't be able to wrap my mind around the worry, hurt and terror that is raising a child.

I love him. I feel like I've loved him forever and ever. I couldn't have known that I would feel that way. He has given me so much love, so many firsts, so many lessons. There isn't a way to thank him for being mine but I'd give my life for him.

Be still and be thankful.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

thankful (Mr B.)

I am thankful for my husband and I haven't said it enough. It's hard to say when you're not paying attention what it is that your thankful for. Mr. B. and I have been married for many many years but not always together in our hearts. I am positive that we took each other for granted at least a thousand and half times over the years. We have been separated by time, miles and heart aches. I know that I am thankful for him, I know that I am, but it has taken me many years to get here. I got still and got thankful.

Be Still and be thankful.