Wednesday, July 1, 2009

it made me think

Bat Girl and I went to see My Sisters keeper tonight and it made me think…

It made me think…

It made me think of so many people, some of them I know you have read about losing their babies to cancer. It made me think about my best childhood friend’s mom who is dying of cancer this very minute.


How can this happen?

It made me think of Hazel. Have I told you about Hazel before? Did I tell you how I loved her and how she was the one person in a very confusing teenage childhood that I could trust? Did I tell you how she made me the mother that I am by her example, the person that I am today. How she made me see that it’s okay to wear pink and red if you feel good about yourself, it’s the confidence that matters, not the colors… did I tell you all of that already?

Hazel was a breath of fresh air in an otherwise confusing world; she was rest for my weary teenage bones. I was her babysitter and she was my everything. I watched her babies and she taught me how to be the mother I am. I gave her baby’s baths and fed them, she gave me a safe place to be when other teenage friends were running wild. She molded me.

Hazel died 10 years ago and when I wanted to see this movie I had not even thought that I would think of her… sadly time has worked its magic and I don’t think of her every day anymore.

I can close my eyes to this day, ten years later and I can hear the words she told me, how she said she had cancer and how cancer would take her life and she was okay with it. I can see her face as plain as day. She was so calm, she was so at peace, she was so serious and I screamed inside. I sat there on the beach next to her trying to understand why this was okay with her and how this could happen to her, to me, to her children and husband.

She taught me one of many lessons that day… this one I’ll never forget. I asked her if she would tell the kids. She said so calmly of course she would because “if I told them I would live and lied, they would never trust anyone again”. She was right, I sat there speechless, breathless really, watching the kids build sand castles hearing the rushing waves beat the shore and I hurt. There I sat with no words and her beside me.

Hazel died while I was there with her. I can remember the minute she died and the words that were said, but I can’t for the life of me remember many days after that. I didn’t deal well. She would have wanted me to be okay and I wasn’t okay for a long time. I missed her, I miss her still, and I’ll miss her always.

My sister’s keeper is a good movie. It’s also real. Cancer is a very real disease. It will render you useless, speechless and hurting. It takes the breath right out of your lungs, the beat right out of your heart and the words from your mouth. Cancer makes you useless, afraid and heartbroken.

It made me think…. again.

And remember her ... and others.


Brandi said...

I don't think I could watch that movie. Sounds like Hazel was an amazing person. :-)

Dot said...

Wow, what powerful words. I can tell throughout your post how much you love Hazel. She lives on through your love and what she taught you. What a blessing!

This really hits home as my father-in-law is starting his 4th round of chemo today. He has throat cancer. He has had 2 strokes during his chemo treatments, but we continue to pray for a good outcome. He is too young and active to give up yet.

Thanks for sharing about the movie, but what really touched me what you shared about your life.