a guilty confession

I saw a confessional at an antique store today and loved it. I would buy it if I could just to have- Im not sure why- I just think it would be a neat thing to have. That confessional caused me to think about motherhood.

The guilt’s of motherhood are tearing. Motherhood has always been what I wanted, strove for, my ultimate goal in life and here I stand worried at each decision and riddled in guilt for my children.

Is it normal to always feel such guilt over your own children? Some call it mother guilt; I don’t know what to call it.

I worry daily about the decisions I have made for my children. I brought my first baby boy into this world way too early in my life and I always said when he was young, “He didn’t ask to be brought into this world and I am going to do the best that I can, he deserves that”. I have tried and for the most part have probably done a pretty good job. So far none of my children have been in any serious trouble, as far as I know (crossing fingers).

The guilt comes from introducing them to and encouraging them to fall in love with others who would hurt them later. How can you know adults will hurt your child? How can you not encourage them to love lovely children, how can you know that those friendships will break their hearts later in life? Guilt comes moving them across the country away from familiar near family who didn’t love them like you thought they would. How can you know that family can be hurtful to your children? How can you know that setting strong boundaries can make your child feel isolated? Guilt comes from moving them again across the country away from friends who are part of them so deeply that they can’t even identify themselves as separate from these friends. How can you know that the HUGE school will be full of bad influences, how can you know that you should not send them there? How can you know about all the sin that goes on there? Guilt comes from pulling them from that hard school and protecting and teaching them at home but losing the social network they had, good or bad- it was socialization. How can you know if it’s right? How can you be sure that their math skills will be up to par when it comes time to graduate? How can you know it’s the right thing? Guilt comes from looking that little 4 year old in the eye and not wanting her to have the same hurts that your other children have had, but if you don’t fall you can’t learn how to get back up right? RIGHT?

Motherhood is a heartbreaking road to travel. I know it’s worth it. I know because I have had so many joys- more joys than sorrows on my journey thus far. My journey is hopefully far from over. I’m thankful to have this hard but rewarding road of motherhood. I was told a long long time ago that God never gives us more than we can handle and I have always felt honored to have these children, knowing that God must have thought so much of me as to give these gifts, knowing that I could handle them, the twists and turns of life and the tearing in my gut that IS motherhood.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)