Tonight I’m thinking of my sweet sweet Grammie.
It wasn’t very long ago (March) that I lost my Grammie to a long drawn out sad and really quite horrible death. It’s the hardest thing to watch someone suffer. I begged God to take her. I literally knelt on my knees and begged God out loud to take her. I was certain that I was ready for her to go, I was certain that I would be relieved for her.
I wasn’t ready. I think my close friends knew I wouldn’t be. I didn’t know. I guess you’re never really “ready”.
I have such amazing memories of my Grammie. She held every one of my babies and looked into their eyes and adored their little faces. My Grammie loved babies as much as clouds love the blue sky, she worshiped babies. She wanted to hold kid4 until she literally was too weak to hold her. I remember holding kid 4 in my Grammies arms, I can feel her little frail arms wrapped around my baby goose and I can see her drinking in every bit of that girl.
Sometimes when I close my eyes I can smell my Grammie, I can feel her scratchy white sweater and see the Kleenex stuffed into her sleeve. I can feel her wiry grey hair between my fingers. I can feel her skin and the scratchy whiskers that sometimes Grammies get. I can see her little sweet face and that silly look she got when she was unsure of what to say. I can feel her little stick arms and her soft pillowy belly… sometimes I don’t want to open my eyes because I don’t want to stop seeing her. I miss her. I miss her every single day.
So many times, I begged God to take her; I never could understand why she suffered for as long as she did. I still don’t understand it and I hope someday I will. I use to look at her as she would cry out in pain and ask my partner in crime (my best friend let’s call her bat girl! –she’ll love that!)WHY IS SHE HERE? What purpose is she serving? I always hoped that this profound answer would come to me, that one day I would have this AH-HA moment, but it never came. She suffered and cried and hurt for so many years and she hurt up until her last breath. I don’t understand it. It’s something I want to ask God about eventually. I felt so frustrated for her and about her.
I took care of my Grammie for a while a many years ago and I thought she needed me. I thought that she needed me to feed her, and walk her and comb her hair and take her potty…. After a hard personal time I realized that I actually needed her, she probably didn’t need me at all. She was there for me when I needed her most. She was my soft place to land, my comfort in an uncomfortable world, my quiet, safe place. I loved that about her. I always felt like she was all mine.
Dear Grammie, I miss you terribly, although I am glad you are finally not hurting anymore. The other day I thought about you and had a moment that I forgot you were gone when I remembered; I cried and felt sick all over again. It’s not that I want you to hurt again, I don’t. I just wish you were here for selfish reasons. I wish I could read to you again, and hold your hand, and look into your little sweet eyes. I wish I could put face cream on you and that Bat Girl and I could talk about you all the way back to Mt Perfect. I wish we would be able to say how sweet you are and lucky I am to have you. Instead I will take her to your grave, she hasn’t seen it yet. I know we’ll leave a rose for you, I always do. We’ll probably both cry, I know she misses you too. You wouldn’t believe the kids, they are so big. I miss you Grammie.
-love me
If you can’t already tell my best friend, Bat Girl is a saint… she would laugh about me saying that. She loved my Grammie too. That’s the kind of saint she is the kind that loves MY Grandparents and will visit their graves and help me clean their toilets…. She’s amazing. I’ll write an “ode to bat girl” soon I swear.
**Note to self when visiting hoof-ville (that’s where my Grammie lived a lot of my fam still lives there) bring lots of Kleenex
It wasn’t very long ago (March) that I lost my Grammie to a long drawn out sad and really quite horrible death. It’s the hardest thing to watch someone suffer. I begged God to take her. I literally knelt on my knees and begged God out loud to take her. I was certain that I was ready for her to go, I was certain that I would be relieved for her.
I wasn’t ready. I think my close friends knew I wouldn’t be. I didn’t know. I guess you’re never really “ready”.
I have such amazing memories of my Grammie. She held every one of my babies and looked into their eyes and adored their little faces. My Grammie loved babies as much as clouds love the blue sky, she worshiped babies. She wanted to hold kid4 until she literally was too weak to hold her. I remember holding kid 4 in my Grammies arms, I can feel her little frail arms wrapped around my baby goose and I can see her drinking in every bit of that girl.
Sometimes when I close my eyes I can smell my Grammie, I can feel her scratchy white sweater and see the Kleenex stuffed into her sleeve. I can feel her wiry grey hair between my fingers. I can feel her skin and the scratchy whiskers that sometimes Grammies get. I can see her little sweet face and that silly look she got when she was unsure of what to say. I can feel her little stick arms and her soft pillowy belly… sometimes I don’t want to open my eyes because I don’t want to stop seeing her. I miss her. I miss her every single day.
So many times, I begged God to take her; I never could understand why she suffered for as long as she did. I still don’t understand it and I hope someday I will. I use to look at her as she would cry out in pain and ask my partner in crime (my best friend let’s call her bat girl! –she’ll love that!)WHY IS SHE HERE? What purpose is she serving? I always hoped that this profound answer would come to me, that one day I would have this AH-HA moment, but it never came. She suffered and cried and hurt for so many years and she hurt up until her last breath. I don’t understand it. It’s something I want to ask God about eventually. I felt so frustrated for her and about her.
I took care of my Grammie for a while a many years ago and I thought she needed me. I thought that she needed me to feed her, and walk her and comb her hair and take her potty…. After a hard personal time I realized that I actually needed her, she probably didn’t need me at all. She was there for me when I needed her most. She was my soft place to land, my comfort in an uncomfortable world, my quiet, safe place. I loved that about her. I always felt like she was all mine.
Dear Grammie, I miss you terribly, although I am glad you are finally not hurting anymore. The other day I thought about you and had a moment that I forgot you were gone when I remembered; I cried and felt sick all over again. It’s not that I want you to hurt again, I don’t. I just wish you were here for selfish reasons. I wish I could read to you again, and hold your hand, and look into your little sweet eyes. I wish I could put face cream on you and that Bat Girl and I could talk about you all the way back to Mt Perfect. I wish we would be able to say how sweet you are and lucky I am to have you. Instead I will take her to your grave, she hasn’t seen it yet. I know we’ll leave a rose for you, I always do. We’ll probably both cry, I know she misses you too. You wouldn’t believe the kids, they are so big. I miss you Grammie.
-love me
If you can’t already tell my best friend, Bat Girl is a saint… she would laugh about me saying that. She loved my Grammie too. That’s the kind of saint she is the kind that loves MY Grandparents and will visit their graves and help me clean their toilets…. She’s amazing. I’ll write an “ode to bat girl” soon I swear.
**Note to self when visiting hoof-ville (that’s where my Grammie lived a lot of my fam still lives there) bring lots of Kleenex
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