Nut in a Rut

If you've read my blog from the beginning Im sure you know that my family lost my nephew to a tragic accident years ago and still so many days we suffer his loss. I was thinking this month about him more than usual because March is his birthday month along with my sister and brother and so many friends. March 22nd holds a solemn place in my heart because I can still see his little tiny newborn face through the nursery window. I was newly 16 and he was perfect. Have you ever seen an absolutely perfect baby? I know that everyone feels like their babies are perfect but I'm serious when I say you have not seen a more perfect baby boy.His face was a beautiful tan, his eyes were dark and lovely and his little tiny dark dark hair was unforgettable. I can still feel the moment when I was standing there staring at him wishing I could hold and cuddle him. He was wrapped so tight in a little blue blanket and he was content to lay there and wait for his Mama. I could barely take my eyes off of him. I didn't get to hold him that night but I gazed and dreamed about his life and stood in awe that someday he would be a teenager too, like me.

My nephew was ripped violently from this earth when he was 13. August 16th is also a day I'll never forget. The phone calls, the panic, the horror, the heartbreak. The ache will never fully leave me. When I think of how I ache for him I think of my brother and I know his ache is a million times worse than mine could ever be. His pain must be excrutianing daily and I hurt for him wondering if he'll ever fully heal from the tragedy. Can you ever fully heal when you lose a child?

Happy Birthday Keoni Boy, we miss you. We miss the moments we were looking forward to and the times we missed with you. We miss your laugh and your goofiness, your kind heart and your silly soul. Your smile was unforgettable and there are are so many days when I look at your pictures and miss your beautiful smiling face. I have asked why we lost you more times than I care to admit. Your birthday is a day when I think of you and wonder who you'd be today. What would you look like, where would you be, how would you sound? I miss you Oni more than I could ever express.

Love, Auntie

( I published this late even though I wrote it in March. I wanted to find a baby picture of him and also I kept reading and re-reading it because I wasn't sure I wanted to actually publish it.... )