Monday, June 21, 2010

Hi... I'm so and so and you are...?

Have you ever truly met yourself…? Like Hello I’m _________, let’s get to know you/me better. Do you ever truly know yourself? Is it possible to know yourself? Do the people that claim to know themselves just think they know?

I’m realizing, late in life I might add, that there are about 3 jillion layers to me and I barely know any of them. I’m good with about the first ten layers, after that I’m a mystery to myself. I’m wondering now if it’s my fault that I don’t know myself better, should I have done things different?

Is it possible to know yourself while you’re raising kids and trying to help them with their own identities? I was going along worrying about kids and not even thinking of myself when they were little and as time slipped by so did I. I can’t really tell you when it happened; in fact, I doubt I ever had a really good grasp on who I was.

There may be an age when that happens for most people, college? The first few years of marriage without kids I suppose? Who knows, I certainly don’t. I am finding myself struggling to hold my head above water and I’m not even sure I can help myself anymore. I’m not even sure I ever could! I think lots of people who knew me forever ago would say they knew it would happen. I think they would say “this is what happens when you get married and have kids so young, I knew it would happen to you too”.

I guess I’m no exception and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that I so badly wanted to BE the exception. I so badly wanted to look back and say “I told you I could do it” but I can’t and I’m struggling and I guess they were right.

This new layer that I am discovering is so new to me. I am the kind of girl who does change instantly and happy with it as long and I have control over it. I don’t do long term slow change well. As my children are starting to be adults, preparing to leave and making their own decisions I find myself scared….. of myself! What will Kid4 and I do all alone together? (Don’t panic, Mr. B will be at work) You see my whole life has gone like this.

  • Get up feed the kids
  • talk to them
  • make sure they’re happy for school
  • wish them well
  • take them to school
  • go home get another kid ready
  • make her breakfast
  • dress her
  • take her to school
  • go home
  • clean up the aftermath of the morning
  • run errands
  • start dinner
  • pick up the kids
  • take them to their afterschool activities
  • finish dinner
  • clean up dinner
  • get the kids cleaned up
  • read stories
  • put them to bed
  • put them to bed again
  • clean up again

what will I do when I am only cooking for 3? I don’t even think I can cook for 3. I will have to feed other people, neighbors perhaps?

WHY am I panicking about this so early? I still have two years…. But do you know how fast 2 years can go? Two years can be gone in the blink of an eye…


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