Saturday, April 14, 2012

please go but don't leave me...

Anyone that knows me knows that I really was ready to see Kid1 start his life. When your raising kids you usually know if one needs to have a little push to live life and move ahead or one might need a little pull back. You know the one that jumps ahead to fast and you have to reign them back in a little to protect them? (that's kid2)

I was ready, I had to push him a little to move in any direction his whole life. When it came to preschool he politely declined so Kid2, Kid3 and I sat outside his preschool window so he could see us and waited there day after day until he was comfortable enough for us to start waiting in the car… He needed a push. Kindergarten did not go as smooth as I had wanted as he crawled up into my lap and promised me he would go the 2nd day but he just could not go the first day. I was wavering … I was folding when another mother caught my eye and shook her head no. She could tell I was a young mother and was not doing well at cutting the apron strings. I held him close and promised him he would be okay. I cried all morning until it was time to pick him up, he had a great day. Every year after that went pretty much the same. School was hard.

Kid1 and I have spent very few days apart in his 19 years and 8 months. As he grew I tried to remember to give him a gentle nudge. Sometimes I shoved! Sometimes I barely pushed at all. Rarely were my pushes just right and I always doubted myself.

This push into adulthood was no different. He struggled, as many boys do, to decide how to start his future. I gently nudged him here and there always scared I would nudge in the wrong direction.

I have said for months "Its time to go son, you can't live here forever". Tuesday he went and guess what?


My dear baby, sweet little timid boy,
Oh how I love you in every way possible. Today, right this minute I can close my eyes and smell your golden baby hair right under my nose as if you were still a little boy sitting in your momma's lap. Right now, this very second I can close my eyes and feel my lips pressing against the palm of your hand and remember how you made me kiss it every single day before school because of your favorite story the kissing hand. I did so well at the airport until you opened up my hand and kissed my palm like I use to kiss yours, it took me back to so many years ago. You remembered, I guess you always will. You can't know how you have blessed me, your sisters and brother. Without you we are not whole but I knew you had to grow up sometime. I wasn't ready and I doubt you were either, but if left up to us my son, I doubt we would ever truly be ready.

I love you, Im so proud of you and I know your going to do great.

I'll love forever, I'll like you for always, as long as Im living, my baby you'll be.


1 comment:

Brandi said...

I've got 7yrs to go until I'm where you are and I know it will be a blink. :( Right now I'm inclined to say I'll let him live here forever. LOL. BUT, I know that will change. HAHA! :)

Hang in there, Ash. You are such a wonderful momma - - I can tell that in your beautiful, smiling kids' faces. They always look so genuinely happy. Kid1 will do awesome (and I will be saying a little prayer for him every night for much success in his endeavors and that he be kept safe)!