Nut in a Rut

Lyrics The Byrds - Turn! Turn! Turn! (to Everything There Is a Season) lyrics

Do you ever feel like your being torn from the inside out? Like someone is tearing you inside but outside there are no visible scars? Are there times in your life when you can’t believe the turmoil inside of you and you feel like time can’t pass quickly enough for you to heal?

When I feel this way I often think of my brother. When he lost his son, I begged for time to zip by because I felt like in time maybe he would heal. I hated that he was being torn from the inside out. When my Grandma was so sick for so long I stood by her bedside and begged the Lord to take her home because it was tearing me from the inside out to see her hurting. I wanted him to take the time and hurt away from her.

Is begging for time to zip by wrong? Is it maybe a little selfish? I don’t really know the answer to that. I think if someone was forcing me to answer that question now I would say “yes, it’s selfish”. If time didn’t pass properly, if we could speed up time, we would also be able to slow down time. If humans were in control of time can you even imagine what a mess this world would be?

My daughter (kid2) has struggled with a broken heart lately and I find myself wishing time away… trying to keep her so busy so she doesn’t have to hurt. I find myself begging God to take the hurts and the make the time go quicker so that she can see that she’ll be okay. Time isn’t running away, time isn’t slowing down and I hurt for her. He really is a darling boy and I know she feels so heart sick over him. I want to wish it all away…. But if I wish it all away how will she know, REALLY REALLY know how to ever love someone? If I wish away these life experiences how will she truly find the one who is meant to love her back?

My oldest son (kid1) just got a promotion at work. He started at a restaurant washing dishes and now he is a server. He was really excited but really nervous. I found myself wishing his time away. I would find myself dropping him off for the nights of training wishing it would whiz by and he would feel confident sooner than later about his new position. I found myself begging God not to give him a bad experience, that everyone was nice to him. How can I wish his time away? If he doesn’t have a bad experience how can he truly have a good one? Why am I wishing their time away?

I think when it comes to teenagers you end up begging God for mercy on them. Teenagers are so sensitive and it seems like no one around them notices it. The teenage years are when they need you the most. It’s the time they need your guidance for dating, for friends, for peer pressure. They need so much more than they have ever needed.

You know what? They also need time. Time teaches them valuable lessons, time heals them from old wounds, time shows them who to love and why. I’m trying to not wish away their time. I’m trying to be thankful for the minutes they have and each unique experience. I’m trying to embrace the simple fact that no matter how much I don’t want them to hurt in any way; they will and that it’s a life lesson that only time can teach.