That was it. I was done. I started putting my things back in my bag and Mr. B. walked in with curious eyes. Before he even opened his questioning mouth I said; "Im not doing this! Im perfectly happy pregnant and … well…. theres just NO WAY!" He laughed because I often "tickle" those around me with my quippy and quirky ideas. This was serious and I was having a complete inner and apparently outer panic.
Long story short- drugged, then birth, then Kid1.
I thought back on these feelings the day I stood and watched him graduate boot camp. The flag was standing before him, he was saluting and so was his father. My hand was over my heart and my little Kid4 was quietly singing the national anthem so proudly. Her voice was in my ear and that boy, my boy was in my eye and all of a sudden I remembered how it felt to "not be ready". I turned to Mr. B. and said; "Im not ready, remember labor and delivery? Remember how I wasn't ready?" he smiled because again Im sure it "tickled" him as his memory was jogged back almost 20 years ago. It seemed like my baby boy might just be a grown man when I see his face or the first time after 8 weeks, it seems like he might have learned how to rely on himself, how to respect himself, how to be a grown up *GASP*…
I stood there with my little girls song in my head, wondering again for the millionth time what the future would hold for my Kid1. I stood there and thought of the very moment that he made me a mother, the moment I kissed his little mouth for the first time and all the moments between then and now. I thanked God for him and prayed for his future.
God Bless my America,
God Bless my son,
God Bless my Airman.