4 eyes X 3

All of us girls

got new glasses.

We may have a little too much in common… LOL

(kid4's are actually dark purple)

time gone by

A good and very old friend of mine sent me this picture earlier this week and when I received it I just sat there is awe. I can't believe I was this young once… in fact, I am not even going to tell you how YOUNG I was! Can you even believe how little tiny and sweet Kid1 looked? I never imagined myself this old, I never imagined myself with grown children and here I am looking in the mirror wondering…

if those miracle wrinkle creams work….

and here I sit wondering where the years with my babies have gone…

when did I grow older…

where did 20 years go…

will the next 20 go this fast too…

why can't I remember every detail…

will teenagers REALLY BE the death of me…

HOW is it possible that little TINY boy is graduating THIS year…

AM I going to be able to let him go…

HOW DID HE GROW SO FAST?

WHERE DID THESE YEARS GO?

my goodness time can be so unforgiving….

a day in middle Georgia with Mr. Stanley

Bat Girl and I spent a lovely morning showing Mr. Flat Stanley around our town. We took him to a lovely breakfast, turns out he loves ham and eggs! We enjoyed the morning showing him the cotton fields of middle georgia, the breathtaking pecan orchards. We stopped by a peach orchard and showed him how peaches are processed in the summer and let him play at the park for a minute. He was really impressed with the fair grounds and at the end of the day he was snuggled back into his envelope and sent onto New Mexico for his next adventure. Good luck flat Stanley we had a lovely day!

stress with a little side of spinal tap- YAY me!

(me ready for the spinal)

So I have a weird illness- when I get REALLY stressed out, I get a high pressure in my head. It's a spinal fluid thing. It's weird and it's terrible. I get a low grade headache that lasts for months until it gets unbearable and then Bat Girl drags me to a neurologist…

This time it was a little different, I had my routine eye exam and the eye Dr. was a nervous wreck, stopped the eye exam and sent me straight to a neurologist… it all happened very fast. I didn't leave with the cute glasses I wanted, I didn't leave with contacts… I left with a huge nervous feeling knowing it was back.

(The actual procedure)

So today I had a spinal tap… I did indeed have a high pressure and I am home recovering. Bat Girl is taking great care of me and the kids are taking care of themselves with Bat Girls assistance of course! What would I do without her you ask? I have no idea!

(This is the fluid they pulled off my spine)

So apparently the stress of the deployment, and possibly a mouse sent me straight over the edge… Im better now. Ready to move on without a headache and face this deployment head on!

my new favorite AND a great name!

I have discovered the greatest little town.

Milledgeville, Georgia.

I drive through this town while visiting my brother.

Bat Girl and I were hungry and a greatly named restaurant caught my eye.

THE BRICK.

For those of you who know me… you know WHY I love this name!

The food was great.

The company was greater.

The atmosphere was perfect.

It's my new favorite place to eat.

remembering a special place

Pearl Harbor Hawaii has a special place in my heart for many reasons.

My Grandpa B was on the USS Drexler and has always been a big Navy fan. On May 28^th, 1945 at 7 am the USS Drexler was bombed. I grew up listening to Navy stories and have always admired my Grandpa B and loved his words and stories. I miss him daily.

December 7^th, 1991 is the date that Mr. B. was planning to marry another woman and I’m glad he picked me… (I DID tell you he was engaged when we met right…?) I always think of her on December 7^th and hope she’s happy too. She is a really sweet girl from an amazing family.

I grew up in Hawaii and spent many afternoons visiting the Pearl Harbor Memorial and if you have never been I cannot truly describe it to you. It’s a watery grave, a solemn place, and a site to stand in awe pondering freedom and loss. Just looking at it from afar does no justice. You have to stand over it to understand.

In 1991 the USS Chosin sailed across Pearl Harbor along with many other ships stationed at Pearl Harbor that year as a tribute to the fallen sailors. Mr. B. was standing at attention in his whites along with many other sailors. Pearl Harbor, the ships so stoically swaying at the dock and the Navy causes a stirring in my heart.

On December 7^th 1941 Pearl Harbor was bombed. You probably know the story, most Americans do. Hawaii along with Pearl Harbor lives in my heart as a special place to be, a place full of memories and my beloved home.

I hope you too can remember something special today.

0.0

Have you ever had the feeling that things are going down the ol' toilet? Have you ever known things were headed south? Do you ever look ahead to what will certainly be a disaster but you aren't able to stop it. Do you ever wonder if you'll go stark raving mad in the future? Do you ever think your teens will be the death of you...? Somedays I wake up and my face looks like THIS.... just think how my eyes will look when Mr. B. is deployed.... YIKES!

GOT RABIES? (I don't) *part 2*

These are the 5 hemoglobin shots, she had already given my the other 2

So Bat Girl and I are driving along in possum-poking silence and I start to fear the foaming in a REALLY bad way... I start thinking back to the last tetanus shot which I have never had and really consider that I have made an extremely stupid decision.

After much consideration, mostly, HOW I am going to tell an ER doc, all the nurses and the lady who checks me in that I have been bitten by a dead possum... I was reasoning out, trying to convince myself that this has probably happened before and it probably isn't all that rare. I can't be the ONLY person that has ever tried to pull a possum's tooth... right?

So we went ahead and decided to stop at an E.R. and ask about the tooth, and the possibility of a tetanus shot and possibly lose any pride I may have left. I moseyed up to the counter with Bat Girl on my heels, because she doesn't want to "miss anyone's face when I tell them that I have been 'bitten' by a dead possum" and I won't lie, apparently THIS specific incident hasn't ever happened before...! Trust me, I had to tell many people, the lady at the counter wanted me to tell another lady at the counter and they laughed out loud. (who knew that possums don't really bite).

I got checked in, sent to a room and sat anxiously. I really hate shots and I was sure I would need a tetanus. Time after time the door swung open as person after person apologized for "having the wrong room" - all along we knew they were looking and laughing. I was feeling seriously insecure and nervous about getting THE shot.

When the Dr. came in she honestly laughed right at me. She kept apologizing, saying this has never happened to her before... I could keep a smile (remember I'm a nervous laugher), swallowing my pride because after all, I did touch a dead possum and I probably deserved a little shot of humiliation... I may or may not have learned my lesson at this point.

SOOOO.... anywho, long story short, after the Dr. left she sent in nurse Ratched the GAH-rouch and there on the counter she dropped SEVEN shots... SEVEN!

DID YOU HEAR ME?

SEVEN SHOTS!

Aparently if you poke a possum in the tooth and it cuts your finger you have to have-

1. tetanus shot (moderate needle)

2. rabies vaccine (moderate needle)

3. rabies hemoglobin (HA-UGE needle)

3. rabies hemoglobin (HA-UGE needle)

4. rabies hemoglobin (HA-UGE needle)

5. rabies hemoglobin (HA-UGE needle)

6. rabies hemoglobin (HA-UGE needle)

7. rabies hemoglobin (HA-UGE possible elephant needle)

I promise you when I looked away I think nurse Ratched backed up and shot that needle like an elephant dart into my leg... she was NOT gentle to say the least and she found NO humor in the being "bitten by a dead possum" thing. She wasn't having it!

So at this point poor Bat Girl had seen WAY more of me than she ever imagined, I have been SHOT in every limb and some twice, my pants are at my ankles, I can barely stand and I am in P.A.I.N. Nurse Ratched gives me the all clear and that's that... right?

NO!

I have to go back to that E.R. (not in my town) every Sunday till Christmas to get another shot! Apparently the rabies is a little less like a series of a few and a little more like a LOT! So needless to say Bat Girl and I have plans on Sundays now.

Guess what? I'm a lot less likely to pull a possum's tooth again! Im not saying it won't EVER happen- thats a bit of a commitment.

GOT POSSUM? (I didn't) *part 1*

I never said I was the smartest, I never said I was the best at anything, I never said I didn't make bad choices and that all became evident on Sunday.

So Sunday morning, Bat Girl and I headed up to a little farm to visit a friend of ours. The little farm is very beautiful- it's quiet and the fall colors are spilling off the tree branches like paint dripping onto the floor. The ground is covered with color, the fall gardens are packed with collard greens, pumpkins, turnips and other fall treasures. This little farm is a sight to behold. As we walked on the narrow pathway into thicker trees, my eyes fell to the ground and stopped on something pure white and shiny. I leaned in to get a closer look and ...

(please, please, please don't judge me here...)

There was a decayed possum skeleton. I got a little closer and its little, perfect possum teeth were just sitting there in a deteriorated jaw BEGGING to be yanked on. I couldn't even begin to help myself ... my mind was racing with thoughts of bringing a very interested 6 year old a possum tooth home from the farm... I wondered what she would think about it, how she would think it was so cool- I mean kids WEAR shark tooth necklaces, not that I was going to make her a possum tooth necklace because I WAS NOT, I promise... BUT still animal teeth are very interesting..... am I wrong here?

Before I could help myself my hand just reached down towards that shiny little treasure. Visions of pearly white teeth danced in my head. I grasped that little tiny sucker and do you know it was REALLY sharp? I pulled and pulled and no matter how much that little guy was decomposed that tooth would NOT budge! (I hated to pick up the whole skull, I mean I have SOME boundaries you know) I compromised and tried a bottom tooth instead... before I knew it, my finger slipped off that little white gem and CUT MY THUMB!

Not until that very moment had I thought about this being a very bad idea. I had never even considered that this might be dangerous... I mean IT'S DEAD... right??? Decomposing things don't bite... it's not like I wasn't SURE it was dead first...

Anywhooo..... fast forward to a little later, we walked around the farm, my mind not wandering far from the sore spot on my thumb...We said goodbye to our dear friend, hugging him and wishing him well and drove away. As we travelled farther down the road, we had not spoken of the possum incident. I don't think either one of us wanted to re-live it. Bat Girl might have thrown herself in front of the carcass if she had even considered I might touch it, I think she and I were both surprised when I reached down into the possum abyss...

... but my thumb was throbbing and I knew I probably should tell Bat Girl.... after all what if I started foaming at the mouth or worse my jaw locked and I couldn't speak at all... I was panicking a little inside...

to be continued.....

My two favorite veterans!

THANK A VETERAN!

Thanks to my man and my brother in law for serving our country. I know and love so many veterans. Thank you, thank you, thank you! :)

wheres waldo

One of my best friends from 1st grade sent this picture to me.

Can you pick me out of the crowd?

I think my mother may have used a mixing bowl when cutting my hair....

WOW.

Thanks Shannon and Katie for the GREAT 1st grade memories!

I'm just saying, I don't like spiders... thats all!

VERY SMALL SPIDER ON MY COMPUTER THAT DROPPED FROM NO WHERE!

fear |fi(ə)r|

noun

an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat

spider |ˈspīdər|

noun

an eight-legged predatory arachnid with an unsegmented bodyconsisting of a fused head and thorax and a rounded abdomen. Spiders have fangs that inject poison into their prey, and most kinds spin webs in which to capture insects. • Order Araneae, classArachnida.

phobia |ˈfōbēə|

nounan extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something

I DO NOT LIKE SPIDERS. I DO NOT CARE IF THEY ARE BIG OR SMALL, I DO NOT CARE IF THEY ARE LONG OR TALL, I DO NOT LIKE SPIDERS AT ALL!I DO NOT CARE IF THEY ARE AT THE MALL.I DO NOT CARE IF THEY ARE ON A BALL,I DO NOT LIKE SPIDERS AT ALL! I DONT NOT LIKE THE ONES NAMES PAUL,I DO NOT LIKE THEM ON A DOLLI DO NOT LIKE SPIDERS AT ALL!
THE END

my literal and apparently challenged brain!

I had a funny.... errrr... strange.... possibly even stupid thing (on my part) happen to me at school this week. There is a bit of a ... ummm... let's call it a language barrier between me and most humans.... Im not the sharpest listener, but I really try.

First let me just say that I DID NOT grow up in the south so a thick Georgia accent is a little lets call it... tricky... for me.

Tuesday night at school my teacher was lecturing and writing important notes that we should copy on the board. While writing she said "Mark an os-ter-ich next to these important points, they WILL be on the test".

You can imagine my confusion... I stopped, which also stopped my thinking because I can't draw an os-ter-ich next to anything and listen at the same time, Im lucky to be able to breath and listen at the same time. This is how my thought process went;

an "os-ter-ich"?

strange!

is an ostrich like a mascot for old people (Im taking gerontology) and I didn't know about it?

will she grade me on the picture?

WHY wouldn't it be a dove?

a dove would be so much easier to draw....

So there I sat, sketching out the long legs of an ostrich adding a tall feathery body and what ostrich would be complete without a looooong neck... at this point I'm feeling a little stressed because there is no way I can possibly DRAW an ostrich AND take all these notes... So I look up at the board and guess what my teacher is marking next to her very important points? Let's just say that her "os-ter-ich" looked a little different than mine. Her's was a lot more like this-

* Insert important point here

Um. Yeah. Duh.

apparently it's a good thing I'm going to college!

im a busy girl.

I’ve been so busy lately. I started school a few weeks ago and am taking 3 night classes. I’m learning a lot and enjoying having a break from home. Mr. B. is taking good care of the evening chores around the house; in fact it’s probably never been cleaner!

I promise I’ll blog soon… about summer, about life and about my baby boy going off to military school in TWO weeks!

me

This is me at school.

Do I look smarter?

;)

Hi... I'm so and so and you are...?

Have you ever truly met yourself…? Like Hello I’m _________, let’s get to know you/me better. Do you ever truly know yourself? Is it possible to know yourself? Do the people that claim to know themselves just think they know?

I’m realizing, late in life I might add, that there are about 3 jillion layers to me and I barely know any of them. I’m good with about the first ten layers, after that I’m a mystery to myself. I’m wondering now if it’s my fault that I don’t know myself better, should I have done things different?

Is it possible to know yourself while you’re raising kids and trying to help them with their own identities? I was going along worrying about kids and not even thinking of myself when they were little and as time slipped by so did I. I can’t really tell you when it happened; in fact, I doubt I ever had a really good grasp on who I was.

There may be an age when that happens for most people, college? The first few years of marriage without kids I suppose? Who knows, I certainly don’t. I am finding myself struggling to hold my head above water and I’m not even sure I can help myself anymore. I’m not even sure I ever could! I think lots of people who knew me forever ago would say they knew it would happen. I think they would say “this is what happens when you get married and have kids so young, I knew it would happen to you too”.

I guess I’m no exception and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that I so badly wanted to BE the exception. I so badly wanted to look back and say “I told you I could do it” but I can’t and I’m struggling and I guess they were right.

This new layer that I am discovering is so new to me. I am the kind of girl who does change instantly and happy with it as long and I have control over it. I don’t do long term slow change well. As my children are starting to be adults, preparing to leave and making their own decisions I find myself scared….. of myself! What will Kid4 and I do all alone together? (Don’t panic, Mr. B will be at work) You see my whole life has gone like this.

• Get up feed the kids
• talk to them
• make sure they’re happy for school
• wish them well
• take them to school
• go home get another kid ready
• make her breakfast
• dress her
• take her to school
• go home
• clean up the aftermath of the morning
• run errands
• start dinner
• pick up the kids
• take them to their afterschool activities
• finish dinner
• clean up dinner
• get the kids cleaned up
• read stories
• put them to bed
• put them to bed again
• clean up again
• KIDS KIDS KIDS

what will I do when I am only cooking for 3? I don’t even think I can cook for 3. I will have to feed other people, neighbors perhaps?

WHY am I panicking about this so early? I still have two years…. But do you know how fast 2 years can go? Two years can be gone in the blink of an eye…

IM TRYING NOT TO BLINK!

the highlight of my trip

I begged my mom to give me highlights.

She did and ... I have a tender head.

Thanks mom, I love it!

my favorite people

I have always been a Daddy's girl, I absolutely love my Dad, he's the greatest. There are a million memories I could share about my Dad but my favorite one is when we were moving across the country from Arkansas to Oregon I rode with my Dad in the U-haul. Im sure it comes as no surprise that I talked non stop and my mom seriously would have gone mad if she had to listen to me all the way across the country.

ANYWAY.... I thought I lost my doll somewhere on that trip and so I used the doll clothes I had brought for my doll and dressed his thermos up instead and used "her" as a baby doll. I loved it, I dressed "her" and fed "her" and wrapped "her" up, I had the time of a lifetime with the thermos. "She" was always warm and smelled like coffee!

(I was a weird and creative kid)

My Dad did the sweetest things for me growing up. When I was away at my Grandparents he always sent me letters about my dolls. he would say "your dollies really miss you", I loved to thin about my Dad talking to my dolls. When we travelled he would let me take whatever I wanted and I loved it!

I could tell my Dad anything growing up and I did. He listened to me chatter on and on during my lifetime, story after story and to this day I trust my dad more than anyone.

Just look at my little goosey loving up on my Daddy! Aren't they the cutest?

P.S. my real doll had fallen behind my seat and my dad found her when we got to Oregon.

To my sweet friends

My dear sweet friends,

I didn’t mean to make you sad and I thank you for the outpouring of care you have shown to me. Sometimes one struggles to wrap their mind around how many people really do care. I appreciate you all more than I could ever say in written word.

As my children have grown older my heart has broken a little more with every passing day. I always dreaded them growing up and being independent, I always dreaded the day when I would have to swallow my advice and let them fall to learn. I always broke at the thought of letting them struggle but I have to. There comes a day when you have to let go of things, anything, and let kids be kids and let life be life and just be.

As the years have passed my life hasn’t always taken the turns I have wanted. As the days flew by I think I missed something along the way. I’ve always lived life one day at a time and promised myself never to regret anything and here I am, regretting. If I could turn the hands of time back there are a list of things that I would do differently.

• I would watch my children’s every move two or three times again if I could.
• I would watch each tooth, each step, and each hair on their little heads.
• I would remember the expression they had when they got their first hair cut, lost their first tooth and took their first step, but instead it’s blurry to me.
• I would give better advice to my friends, children and family.
• I would hold them longer and tighter.
• I would protect them more and punish them less.
• I would have spent more time with my nephew.
• I would love my brother and sister more instead of letting them go.
• I would have made such different choices for myself for love and for life.

My sweet friends, I think that I have just taken off my rose colored glasses and am seeing so many things for the first time and I’ll be fine, I really will. Life is sometimes a reality check and I’m experiencing it later in life than I probably should have.

I have stopped to take a good hard look at things and I’ll be okay. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts, I love you all!
Love,
Ashley

letting go

Have you ever cried and cried and cried and cried? Have you ever started crying and began to worry that you may never stop? Have you ever cried over one thing and everything all at once?

This weekend I crossed a bridge in my life and I cried for 7 hours. I literally thought I might never stop. I cried for 100 different reasons and some of them I can’t share.

I cried because my children have grown old and I can’t help them anymore like I use to. I cried because my life just didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. I cried because I’m afraid to be alone one day. I cried because I have no control over my children’s hurts and decisions anymore. I cried because as they are learning hard lessons I have to let them fall and pick themselves up alone. I cried because I have had to let something go that I didn’t want to let go. I cried because even though something may be best for me, if it’s not best for my children I simply cannot do it. I cried because my heart is broken and I have no control over it anymore.

I cried and cried and cried.

And now I have to choose to stand up, dry up and walk forward and I will, just like I always do.

The moral of this story?

Life is stifling sometimes and I guess a good cleansing cry does a person good. I'm not fixed, but I will go on. Doing the right thing for my children is all I can live with, it's how I live with myself, it's how I sleep at night. It's also hard and hurts.

Dear me,
You'll make it.
I promise.
Love
Me