6 of a jillion...

I saw this on pinterest and it really spoke to me.

I want this. I always have. I think every girl does.

The longer I look at it, the more I realize that these are 6 quick moments captured throughout life. This doesn't show the hard parts, but the hard parts are what make us strong. The long nights up with our babies too exhausted to even speak to each other. The long days at work, not even noticing the little things anymore. Those hard times when you feel like you can't possibly wake up to the same person another minute. The moments apart when you feel like you can't possibly live another moment without them.

These are the moments, the in between times that often we mistake for bad times. These times, the hardest times of all develop character, integrity and honor between you both.

Hold on to all the moments, pay attention and LOVE everyday like you won't have another.

Happy Birthday United States NAVY

My sailor :) (survivor of our 5 children)

My Grandpa (USS Drexler survivor)

If I had only known how influential the US Navy was going to be in my life I may have been a little bit easier about the bell bottom uniforms and UGLY pale blue works shirt those handsome sailors wore when I was a teenager. If I had only known that the US Navy would play such a HUGE role in my life I might have listened closer to my Grandaddy's old sea stories. I wish I would have listened closer, I wish I would have paid closer attention, I wish, I wish, I wish…

I could have never imagined that the Navy would have played such an important and wonderful role in my life. I could never have known that while gazing at my handsome Grandaddy as a young sailor on that picture wall of fame that I would one day marry a sailor. I could never imagine that while being nestled into my Grandpa's lap intently watching him organize reunions for the survivors of the USS Drexler that one day I would be anxiously awaiting the arrival of my own sailor after a long deployment.

Happy Birthday Dear Old United States Navy! Happy Birthday dear old friend! WOW, 236 years and counting! Thank you for your service, for your history and for all your amazing sea stories. I can't wait to hear a thousand more…

Thanking GOD...

I saw this on a friend of mine's facebook the other day and I have thought about it ever since. I have been praying diligently with Kid4 over so many things so that she may have peace about her Daddy, school, friends and so many other things that plague her little restless soul. I spend so much time listing things that we are thankful for that I often forget to ask God for help for the things we are struggling with. Sometimes after I say "Amen" she adds "...and help me to not have bad dreams…"

What do YOU thank God for every day? I ALWAYS thank God for my kids, their friends, for Batgirl and her family OF COURSE! I ALWAYS thank God for my home, our safety, happiness and the fact that we are free. I was thinking the other day after I read this about only waking up to what I had thanked God for… REALLY think about that…!

I adjusted my prayers a bit tonight! :)

Thank YOU GOD for everything! I love you.

count your blessings...

Im SO blessed to wake up to this teensy-weensy blue-eyed beauty every single morning. My beautiful kid5 you are the smiliest, giggliest, loveliest little baby girl EVER! Every morning you wake me up with a smile and I can't believe your mine to adore forever! I was thinking about an old song I use to sing in church when I was a little girl and it put some things into perspective that I have been struggling with lately …

… count your blessings name them one by one,

count your blessings, see what God has done….

When I count my blessings I can't even begin to list them, as I start counting, a smile creeps onto my face because I am immersed in many wonderful blessings. Lately as life has gotten hard and way too complicated to sort out myself I am learning to give the hard parts over to God and COUNT MY BLESSINGS one by one by thanking him for each of them. Kid5 is our newest blessing and what a special gift from God she is.

I am learning that it is better to spend time counting your blessings than doing anything else. When your struggling, thank God for what you DO have, take note of the special blessings in your life, your friends and family. Hold on to the blessings you have as they may not hold on to you as tightly as you would like them too.

Count you blessings,

name them one by one.

Count your blessings,

see what God has done….

Try it my friends, you might be surprised!

She is of pure heart and mind...

Dear beautiful girl of mine,

I love a million things about you, but one of my very favorite things is how you are smitten by all animals. I absolutely adore how it doesn't matter how many years we have been away from these sweet horses you always remember what you named them the very first time you met them. (Allison and Brittany- remember THIS BLOG) . I love how you want to gently pet every single dog never missing one stroke, even the GIANT, KNARLY slobbery ones! I love how you are positive that every single fluffy kitten has a lovely soft mommy to cuddle and how every wonderful bird has a warm cozy nest to call home.

I love how your mind and your heart are connected, that is such a rare quality in a person now days. When you love someone or something you are devoted with your heart and your mind; my darling girl that is so few and far between in this world.

You my sweetheart are such a rare gem to be admired and enjoyed. Most days I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to have you, your literalness, your pure view of the world and humans. You call it like it is and always believe in the best. I can't imagine life without you and I am positive that God gave you to Daddy and I at a time that we needed you most. You are our treasure darling and I hope to never let you forget how truly adored you are.

I'll love you forever and ever and ever….

Love,

Momma

pick me! pick me! pick me! pick me! pick me! :(

Have you ever felt like this before?

Have you ever felt like every word you were saying no matter what it actually was, was coming out "PICK ME, PICK ME"? Have you ever felt so desperate to be chosen that you felt like your heart was literally reaching out of your chest towards another human being and grasping desperately towards their heart but just out of reach? Have you ever felt yourself begging but you couldn't stop because it was actually your heart and not your head?

I have found myself begging lately, begging for things I wouldn't in a million years believe I would be begging for. I have found myself begging my children to be forgiving, to look into someones heart with compassion instead of judgment. I find myself begging MYSELF to be stronger than any woman should have to be and to stand taller than I am. I find myself begging my boys to be men when they should be allowed to be boys. I find myself begging God for more peace than should be allowed one person. I find myself begging MYSELF to let go while still holding on to all my shattered dreams. I find myself promising my daughters a future I am just not sure about.

I hear myself shouting out "PICK ME, PICK ME" more than I care to admit and I hate it but I can't seem to find the strength to stop even though I know I sound pathetic.

When you hear your own voice shouting "PICK ME, PICK ME" maybe you can give yourself a break and remind your heart that you have already been picked. You might not be picked by someone on this earth but God picked you. Maybe you when your desperate and you can't stop yourself from begging, maybe when your heart is reaching for anothers heart and they won't reach back you can remind yourself that God has already reached out to you. He promises to protect your heart especially when you're hurting and dying inside.

Remember-

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

……silence…...

Have you ever been faceless, speechless, powerless? Have you ever felt like your words were taken straight from your brain and scrambled right before your eyes? Do you ever feel a little crazy, maybe because someone else has caused you to feel a little crazy? Sometimes I have felt powerless. Sometimes I have felt speechless. Sometimes I have felt useless and worthless. Does everyone feel useless, worthless and crazy sometimes? I don't know, I have only walked in my shoes. Somedays I don't know much but I do know this-

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

IS the GRASS GREENER? ( Is it? ) *re-post*

Have you ever asked yourself if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence?

Have you ever asked yourself why the grass might be greener on the other side of that fence?

I have your answer!

YES! YES it is definitely greener. The grass is greener because you haven’t walked there yet my friend. Once you walk on that grass, it’s NOT as green, YOU HAVE WALKED on it!

I understand that there is the temptation of hopping that fence and trying out that beautiful plush green green grass. I beg of you, don’t do it! Don’t hop the fence, don’t try the grass. Remember when your mom told you “once you’ve done it, you can’t go back”? It’s true… once you have tried out the grass on the other side of the fence, you can’t go back completely. Yes, it’s true, you can hop back over and start again, but it won’t be the same.

You have to keep up your own grass! You have to stay on your side of the fence and you have to take care of it. If you don’t mow your own grass, who will? If you don’t plant flowers and make your own grass beautiful who will?

Are you getting the metaphor?

Might the grass be your marriage? A friendship perhaps? The relationship with your children? Your personal goals? Grass requires a lot of maintenance and it’s your responsibility to keep it up. You are suppose to groom your own marriage, take care of your wonderful friends, pay attention to your beautiful children and force yourself to set and keep goals.

Good luck grooming!

WHERE have my rose colored glasses gone…?

Do you know what it feels like to believe with all that you are in someone else? Do you know what it feels like to give your whole heart to someone and love them with all that you have in you only to find out that they are not who they say they are? Have you ever felt tricked, abused and lied too? Have you ever seen someone FINALLY for who they really are and felt crushed, like the wind has been knocked out of you? It's a surreal feeling really, like you have been knocked on your back and the world goes on around you but you can't quite get your breathe enough to stand. I keep taking deep breaths, I keep watching the world go by, I keep waking up to the same thing every day wishing this was all a dream but it's not. I find myself sitting for hours thinking about how it all happened, when it began and when I started pretending it was all okay… I wonder when I let it all go too far… I wonder when I loved too much and when I lost myself. I wonder how I let it all go so far, so wrong. Have you ever believed someone is something they are not?

I did. And I wish with all my might, and I pray with all my might that I could put my rose colored glasses back on and that I still believed it. I would take it all back in a second, but now my eyes have seen the truth.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

9/11 (repost from 2009)

So many have blogged about 9/11 and I wasn't going to because I wasn't sure I could write it, but I can summarize it and it IS important to "never forget".

8 years ago we lived in Colorado Springs and it seemed as if our lives were falling apart right before our very eyes. We tried desperatly to hold onto things near and dear to us and they were slipping away, right through our fingers, right before our very eyes and there was little we could do about it.

We shared a very small house with Mormon missionaries, they had their own little part of the house- and no, we're not Mormon. It was just one of those "different" kind of living arrangements. We ended up loving the "boys" as we called them. We never converted but we we're so close to many of the "boys".

Tuesday, September 11th was not a normal day at our house, I was home sick and had just delivered the kids to school. I went home and turned on the ol' boob tube and was shocked to say the least. It was smoke and fire and pure chaos- you remember I just know you do. It took me a minute to process that this was happening in OUR country, MY America. I quickly called Mr. B. who was commuting to Denver at the time. When I reached him in his office, I told him. I told him about the horror, and do you want to know what he said to me? "Honey you must be watching a movie, or mistaken." I was a little perturbed to say the least. I said to him "Why don't you turn on a T.V. and call me back"

While I waited for him to call me back, I went to get the missionaries. I can remember just what I said "Bowman, I know your not allowed to watch TV during your mission but you HAVE to see this, you HAVE to know whats going on" We sat and watched the Television together, cried and waited for Mr. B. to call.

He called back horrified, I was crying, he was in shock. A co-workers daughter was in New York at the time touring and he was terrified for her. I told Mr. B. that I just wanted to go get the kids and lock us all in the house all day long, maybe forever. Just then they were evacuating all the tall buildings in Denver. The last thing he said to me was "GO! get them- bring them home, Im on my way".

I rushed to school where I checked my babies out in a line of silent parents, standing there with tear stained faces, in shock, not knowing what tomorrow held, only knowing we wanted our children and we wanted to be home. I was terrifed and numb.

There were days and days and days of numb terror, I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't ever want to take my kids to school, I didnt ever want to do anything but sit on my couch and sob for my country, for those who lost their lives and those who fought for freedom- I was petrified. It was hard for me to go out after that. It took some time for me to go out after that day, time for me to go to Denver near tall buildings, time for me to feel comfortable dropping my kids off at school again.

Time helps you to be able to get back to your life, but it never heals all wounds- it can't. Time isn't meant to erase, to forget, it's meants to give peace, to HELP heal.

9/11- Don't EVER forget, but do allow peace to creep into your heart.

chaos

My life feels a little chaotic right now.

Does this ever happen to you?

Im trying to breathe and remember that this too shall pass.

Im trying to buckle down and remember whats important.

Im trying to hold on to my babies.

I've asked so many around me to be patient with me while I keep my head above water.

Life can be such a struggle …

The graduate, a fantasy and one dream at a time...

You think it will be easy… the kid is born, you feed him, you diaper him, you play with him, you send him to school and VILOA one day he graduates and goes off to college… RIGHT?

WRONG!

That’s right! I’m telling you THIS MINUTE that all those car commercials are DEAD WRONG! Will some of your kids do that? Yes, yes… I’m sure some of you lucky parents out there will have some kids that will zip along through life and just be easy as pie. They will give you no grief and just skip along through school, drive off safely to college and THANK GOD for you because THIS IS NOT what has happened in our house.

Kid1 has not skated though much in his life. If I would have known that his first of day of kinder would be indicative of every single day of school until graduation I probably would have bought a house boat and moved to Fiji! I would have never guessed that the begging and crying would turn into begging and crying all through elementary, faking sick through junior high and then skipping in high school… :/

Onto the graduation-

He graduated. Kid1 walked across the stage that night with his graduation cap and gown on, not only did I feel like the blood left my body with an overcoming sense of relief I also felt overwhelmed with so many emotions.

He did it.

I did it.

We did it.

His father missed it.

I felt like he and I were the only two people in that big room that night.

How did this baby my first baby grow up so fast?

It seemed like yesterday that I was holding him on the steps of kindergarten while he sobbed and begged not to go. It seemed like yesterday that I was promising him that he would be okay if he just gave it a chance. It seemed like yesterday he was just a little tiny thing. How could he have grown so big? How was he on the verge of being a man?

I stood there almost afraid to blink, almost afraid to move fearing that if I did this would either all be a dream and all that we had worked so hard for would be untrue or he would be standing before me as a 30 year old man with a family…

My baby, My son, you made me a mother and I have said this to you so many times, I love you like crazy. There is no way to describe how it feels to see your first baby for the first time. I was so young, I was so scared but so calm. My son, you and I have something that is rare. You and I understand one another on a very deep level. I pray for you daily and want so badly for you to live life to the fullest and learn the valuable lessons that life has to offer you. I love you, I’m proud of you. Congratulations on quite an accomplishment. You are certainly ONE OF A KIND!

I love you,

Mom

even dogs...

Kid4 used stickers to tape this flag to our porch this weekend and when we asked her why she had put it there she responded:

"Because EVEN DOGS should worship America!"

We laughed because she always says the most profound things. I laughed, I smiled, I chuckled and I walked away and hoped that flag would stay there for a very long time because it meant something more to me than just a flag, a little girl and her dog, knowing though that someday it would fall. It spoke to me differently. She is right, everyone needs something, someone to adore. Now I doubt that our dog Max will worship, adore or admire this simple flag or even realize that he lives in a free country but so far every time that I have walked on to the porch I have teared up with pride and a little sadness knowing that I live in a free country, knowing that my husband is fighting for a free country and knowing that some things that I adore and admire I will gain and lose through no control of my own but I think thats all part of being truly free.

Freedom isn't free.

Little girls thoughts ARE free.

Love isn't free.

what have I been up too?

I'm not really sure I can list all the things that I have done this summer but I sure as heck will try to tell you. I can promise you that we had a fun and SERIOUSLY interesting summer. I can also promise you that you WILL NOT believe our adventures, our stories and the memories we made. I should probably start with the fact that we adopted kid 5 in May before summer even started…

ARE. YOU. SHOCKED. ???

We are so excited.

Her story will follow shortly…

Adoption, travels to Louisiana, growing up boys, moving out kids, tales of swimming, fishing, crabbing, and bad car accidents… this summer was an adventure with tales to tell, experiences to share… laughs, cries and probably some yawns. I'll try to catch you up on our world over the next few weeks.

I've missed blogging thats for sure! :)

mageddon

This whole "carmageddon" thing has me thinking…

have you ever experienced a "Mageddon" of your own? Like you know when you have travelled for weeks and you unpack the car into your house and somehow as you unpack your vacation paraphernalia multiplies from one bag each into thousands? And you have vacationMageddon on your hands!

Or when you agree to a sleepover and at 3 am your daughters friends somehow turn from four to twenty or what may be one-hundred, there are no more snacks, glasses, sink space, bathroom counter space or floor space left in the house and what you have here is sleepoverMageddon!

Think back about how you felt when you offered to do someone you barely knew a favor like watch their house just to be nice but you didn't realize that they had 47 cats and one small litter box. Remember when you offered to cook your neighbors dinner but their family of 17.9 was there visiting and your stove quit working but you did it anyway because you COULD NOT SAY NO? yeah…… thats suckerMageddon!

When my kids were all little at once and had to be at three different schools at 8 am, that was momMageddon, and I miss those days because the teenMageddon I am not enjoying quite as much since the nothavingcontrolMageddon is not nearly as much fun as the babyMegaddon and the zombieMageddon from the nosleepMageddon due to newbornMageddon.

The bottom line is I think there will always be some sort of "Mageddon" in your life. I mean lets be honest here from newbornMageddon to teenageMageddon to collegeMageddon to engagedMageddon to grandparentMageddon… theres always some sort of "Mageddon". The key is how we deal with it.

So….

breatheMageddon

staycalmMageddon

prayMageddon

hopeMageddon

and

goodluckMageddon :)

whats in a name?

This is an OLD pic of those kids I named ;)

My love for names started in the aisles of a toy store looking into that well known green box. Xavier Roberts started my passion for naming babies and it took off from there. I spent hours reading cabbage patch doll names. And for as long as my mom would let me stand in the doll aisle I would . I read every single one of them. Some of the names would make me cringe and some of them would cause me to clutch my chest with joy, oh how I love a good name. I would spend the rest of the day naming my babies in my head. I use to want to name my baby boy Benjamin (anyone who knew my when I was young knows that I had a crazy ridiculous crush on a boy back then and I named my cabbage doll twins Benjamin and Kenjamin ((don't ask)) ANYWAY…. thank you Xavier Roberts for sparking my love of names…. and inspiring me to look deeper than Thelma and Louise when it came to naming my babies….

Why did you chose your children's name? Children's names are hard to choose! I chose my childrens names for various reasons. One of the kids is names after his father and after a famous actor. One of the kids I named after a gender neutral name I didn't care what he was, I just loved the name and his middle name is after my dad. One of the girls is named after a famous model, I love her and she is a timeless beauty and also after my sister. We also named one of them after my hot doctor - hey I was a young mom! One of the girls is named after my Great grandma and a dear family friend. I love choosing names for my children. It's so challenging and so wonderful. A name is a first impression, a life long commitment, it's often how people judge you. I love to hear people's names.

Plus when I heard my dad wanted to name me Roseanne I felt inspired to work hard for my kids to have good names!

THANK YOU VERY LITTLE DADDY!

...

praying for ALABAMA THE BEAUTIFUL

Happy birthday Fairy cousin

Dear fairy cousin,

For what feels like my whole life I have loved you. I can distinctly remember the moment we met. I ran to their door with such excitement and you shyly opened it. I can still see your brown thick bob and your red checks. From that moment on we were best friends.

I loved the minutes we spent together dressing up as fairies, running outside for hours, playing games, having sleep overs. Remember when my brother built us that huge wooden fort in my back yard? Remember the hours we use to spend with Lane? (seriously- he was always nicest to us and I wanted to marry him!) Remember my creepy basement? Remember the time you were home with Lane and you thought you were home alone and you called me and I told you to pack all your favorite things and hide outside…. I was so smart!! ;)

Not a day ever went by that I didn't think of you. When years went by and I thought we lost you, I seriously cried for years and years. The lessons you taught me then, and the lessons you are still teaching me you just can't imagine. I have always always loved you so deeply. I don't say this often but I am sure that you were a gift to me from God, I am sure of it. I have always needed you. I needed you back then and so many days I need you now.

Thank you for being my fairy, my angel, my cousin and my friend.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Happy Birthday sweet girl, I hope it's all you have ever dreamed of!

swinging through life...

Once upon a time in a land far far away (Oklahoma) life was simple.

It seems like a lifetime ago that my brother, sister and I use to swing on that fence like we didn't have a care in the world. It seems like an eternity ago that we took turns pushing each other back and forth and now life choices, luck and circumstances have led us down different paths. Some of us hurting, some of us thriving and some us barely holding on by a thread but still swinging. It's hard to watch our siblings suffer through life drowning while we're unsure of what to do to help them. A lifeline is not always possible. It's heartbreaking to watch anyone fall over and over again but it's heart crushing when it's your brother.

Thank God for brothers and sisters, thank God for memories and thank God for free will.

AND… thats why I blog!

I have been doing some hard core thinking about my blog lately. I have been asked before if my life as written on my blog is real or just a front and there is an easy answer to that. I never mind answering this question because it's simple.

My blog, my thoughts that I share are my real life, but I don't share the messy parts, the hard times, the times where I'm beside myself in tears, the parts where I'm sure my whole life is going to crumble away any minute. Blogging is like scrap booking in a way. If you are putting together a beautiful book of pictures and memories for your children would you also share the horror stories? Would you also include the miserable parts of your marriage, the days when you think you might actually put the kids up for auction at the local auction house? I wouldn't. I publish my blog into books once a year at Christmas time for my father-in-law and myself and the books are dedicated to my children. My blog is written for them to remember the good times vividly and leave the bad memories behind.

I purposely don't promote my blog by talking about teenagers and sex, teenagers and what they wear, alcoholism, skeletons in my closet or anyone else's because I want to read my own blog and smile and remember my house, remember my children and their funny stories. I want to look back at my own advice and either take it or laugh at it. It's a way to watch myself and my babies grow not a way to expose my children, lay my marriage bare or cause my family or friends discomfort.

I love to blog, I love to write and express myself and I hope that someday my children will look back at these words and be inspired to enjoy the minutes with their children more than I did, love stronger than I did, live healthier than I did and be the best people they can be. I hope for them that they can look back and read these sentences that I have written for them and smile remembering that even though childhood is not as easy as people make it out to be that there were amazingly memorable times. I want them to remember these times as vividly as possible.

and I'm terrible at scrap booking.