:) happy :)

I love that my kids are friends…

I always tell my kids that friends will come and go but their siblings are forever.

"walk"

I had a total inner panic today when I realized that I had never sent a check to the high school for Kid1's cap and gown so I rushed around looking for the note to see if I missed the deadline, finally I gave up and just called the school. I said "Hi, I am Kid1's mom and I totally forgot to pay for his cap and gown and Im totally freaking out inside worried that he won't be able to go to the ceremony"… she reassured me that she had taken his measurements and that I didn't have to pay until April. She very confidently said "He will be able to walk". I took a big breath, thanked her and hung up.

As I hung up, I sat there and re-played the conversation in my head that I just had with the secretary… did she say "walk"? WAIT… wait a COTTON PICKIN' second here…. did she say "walk"? Wait…. didn't he just learn to walk? Is it even remotely possible that he is going to have his name announced, walk across a big stage and graduate from high school? Is my baby old enough to graduate? WHEN did this happen? I sat there and the life of my little boy played in my head and I closed my eyes and remembered him. I closed my eyes and felt his soft yellow hair, I felt my lips on his hot cheeks, I could hear his little baby boy noises in my ear once again. I kept my eyes tightly shut as I watched him learn to crawl and then walk in my mind. I forced my eyes to stay securely closed and watched him sit on those big stairs on his first day of kindergarten, I could just hear his little voice begging me to let him stay home "just one more day".

He grew. He grew up. He's about to "walk". He's about to graduate. I know I'll stand there sobbing like a baby, or will I see a little tiny boy crawling, walking, and running across the stage…? Will his life, the life he had with me flash before my eyes once again? Will I watch him and be paralyzed with mother emotion?

I guess we'll see… don't take your eyes off your babies because before you know it they will "walk", they will fly and well they just won't be your babies anymore.

*boo hoo*

peace

Do you crave peacefulness? What is peaceful to you? The dictionary describes peace as freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquil. Peace is many things to me, my babies sleeping in my arms quietly, a quiet house after a long day, a long talk with an old friend. I think to me peace always includes some form of quiet. Im not sure that quiet is always peaceful to everyone. I think some find peace in noises and crowds.

I often feel like I can breath again when I get to Mt. Perfect or visit hoofville… a place full of childhood memories gives me a sense of peace and belonging. The long red dirt road to my Grammies house makes me take a breath, fills me with a peace that is unexplainable. The sound of the swaying trees in Mt Perfect allows me to close my eyes and know that I am home.

Do you ever find yourself trying so hard to keep peace that you mess it all up? Do you ever think about how easy peace is to achieve but sometimes feel like it's always out of reach? Whats your peace friends? What makes you breath? What makes you feel totally secure? What makes you close your eyes and know that you are home?

I hope you always have a sense of peace, a way to find it and someone to share it with.

teenagers, car trips and growing up boys...

While Mr. B. is gone, Im trying to spend alone with each of my kids to connect with them, to remember that they are human and not just my children, children living in my house. Sometimes I get caught up in giving them money, feeding them, making sure they are safe, worrying about them and I forget to ask them about themselves, I forget to talk to them like they are people, my little people that I adore so much.

Yesterday I took Kid1 to visit my brother. It's an almost 3 hour drive up there, and I thought this would be a good time to do some real talking about life ahead of him, some things he needs to work on alone and some things we can work on together. I have to keep reminding myself that 18 is not grown and he still needs my advise.

We talked, we ate a nice lunch together, we visited my brother and we stopped at a revolutionary war cemetery on the way home. It was nice to reconnect with him, hear his thoughts and fears. I'm not the best advise giver, I just want to take it all from them and make it all better… but it doesn't work that way. Why can life be so brutal? When did these kids grow up enough to make their own life messes?

Will we make it through these next few years with 3 teenagers?

Stay tuned!

to improvise or not to improvise… that IS the question

improvise |ˈimprəˌvīz|

• produce or make (something) from whatever is available

I always cringe when I ask Mr. B. to do something around the house or with the cars because it seems that most things are impossible for a man to fix without a new tool. My boys are starting to say this to me too…. "but mom, I HAVE to have a _________ tool BEFORE I can fix _______"

So I laughed when I saw that my GIRL was so good at improvising! She ripped the plastic off of her soap bottle for a blanket and used a little cup as a pillow for her barbie in the bath. YAY girls! I like this kind of thinking… using what you have is a great idea!

a fiery date night….

Kid4 and I had a little date night Thursday night. She has been DYING to eat at a Japanese restaurant called ZEN. They cook in front of you and she had these visions of perfectness. So off we went for a perfect and very girly date, just her and I.

She used chop sticks like a pro. She ate everything with chop sticks! Trust me, she DID NOT eat this onion, she was posing! It was such a fun date!

Heres how she REALLY felt- she was nervous about the fire and unsure about sharing a table with strangers- but SO WAS I! We ended us really enjoying each other and have lots of nice talks about how she loved the food, how she loves first grade, how she misses her Daddy, how she loves animals SO SO much and how we HAVE to go back really really soon….

…..and I agree….

S-T-O-P

Kid4 wrote this note to our dog Max, who is a whiner!

I laughed because at first it said S-T-O-P and then she looked at it really hard and said "I bet he can't read this"… and right before I was going to go into the "yeah… animals can't read" talk…she wrote out N-O and said so proudly "there, this is probably better"… so I skipped the talk and enjoyed her cuteness.

Besides since animals don't talk how do we really know they can't read?

lovely...

What makes you feel lovely?

lovely |ˈləvlē|

adjective ( -lier , -liest )

exquisitely beautiful
Is there one particular thing, one particular person, one particular place that you feel lovely? Is it possible to pinpoint exactly one thing about another person that makes you feel so lovely? Is it possible to pinpoint the exact moment or does it just sneak up on you and all of a sudden you realize how lovely you feel and you can't put your finger on exactly why.
I hope you have someone that makes you feel lovely, a certain place a particular thing or all those things at once. I think everyone deserves to feel lovely. Can you imagine feeling extremely beautiful everyday? I hope you do feel beautiful, loved, important, smart and just plain lovely as often as possible.
Have a lovely day…. REALLY…. just DO IT!

driving diva

My beautiful, smart and amazing go getter, Kid2 got her license today. I'm so proud of her, Im always proud of her. She really someone to behold, to be proud of, to look up too. As I stood there signing the documents saying that I would let her drive, saying that I was allowing her to be on very big roads with very mean drivers, I felt a little sick.

Theres always a part of being a mom that is so tearing. Of course a part of me is so proud, glad that she can depend on herself and stop being so frustrated when we're late to pick her up or she can't go somewhere she wants too, but theres another part to that too. The other part of me wants to take her away from a mean world, from aggressive drivers, from dangerously darting deer… a part of me wants to protect her forever and ever and thats the part that gets torn away. I know I can't protect her from everything, I know she has to live to learn, but I really miss buckling her into a stroller and making sure she is safe (except for that one time when I forgot to buckle her and she fell out and got a concussion… but it was only once)

I love my kid2, she is utterly amazing to me and I want her to be safe and sound. She won't know the feeling of horror that letting your kids grow up is until she experiences it for herself with her own kids.

Dear Kid2, you have been on your feet rearing to go from the minute you were born. You wanted more than a plain boring life and you always made sure to get it. You decided what your dreams were and went for them. There is truly no one else like you, no one as strong as you, as driven as you and as kind-hearted as you are. You are one in a million my little girl and I feel so honored to be raising you. Please be easy on me, please remember that while you drive I am home pacing the floors because the thought of something happening to you breaks me to pieces. I love you probably more than you'll ever understand and I'm okay with that. You are a wonderful person and I am so proud of you. Please be careful in that big ol' world baby girl and remember that your momma loves you and needs you.

I love you.

Mom

Grandmas and burnt toast

(chicken coop)

I thought of my lovely Grammie this morning.

My toaster setting got turned up a little too high and my toast was a little burnt. When it popped out, the smell instantly took me back to hoofville, to mornings spent on my grandparents farm, to a the smell of bacon and eggs… to the smell of over cooked toast. I closed my eyes and thought of her, I thought of who she was and what a lovely person she was, how she loved me, how she loved others and how I loved her and her burnt toast. I thought of this weekend how I kept referring to her and how I would say "my grandparents"… and then I would find myself changing that to "my grandpa"… I miss her. I miss her every single day. I really doubt that anyone but BatGirl truly understands how I adored her and our special relationship.

Dearest sweetest Grammie,

I miss you, but that goes without saying. I miss the little things, your little funny looks, your silly laugh. I miss your toast and hearing you scoot around the kitchen in the morning. I miss walking to gather eggs with you and our little matching buckets. I miss how those hens didn't scare you a bit but they terrified me. You were so brave. I grew to understand you so deeply. I wouldn't change a single minute with you, not the hours spent in the hospital, not the days wondering if you'd make it, not the prayers begging God to take your pain away- none of it. Every single second with you was a gift that I'll cherish forever and ever.

I love you AND your burnt toast my Grammie.