I know I have written these words or many like them before, the words about becoming a mother, the words about seeing my first child for the first time, holding him, and feeling his warmth. His first breath, his first cry, his first kick that he didn't meet my womb. He was stunning to me and as you may know he took my last breath as a non mother away. The second I saw him, I took a deep breath and little did I know my world was forever changed.
I wish I could go back in time and seize that moment, remember it better, pay closer attention. I was overwhelmed, he wasn't the color I thought he should be, he felt heavy on my weary chest… I watched him and he watched me, we stared at each other and I had no idea how my life would change. I couldn't know that my world would come crashing down over and over and how I would beg God to help me be a better mother, person and wife just for him. I wouldn't be able to wrap my mind around the worry, hurt and terror that is raising a child.
I love him. I feel like I've loved him forever and ever. I couldn't have known that I would feel that way. He has given me so much love, so many firsts, so many lessons. There isn't a way to thank him for being mine but I'd give my life for him.
Be still and be thankful.
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